Home is where the Heart is

I've always thought that home should be a place of refuge. I haven't always felt that it is, but I've wanted it to be.
Law and Order: SVU has been my show of choice for allll my downtime this past week or two. I'm not totally sure why I like it so much because it scares me how psycho some people can be.. but one of the things that makes me the most sad about the show are the episodes in which a broken home has stolen innocence from a child or affected the outcome of a teens life forever. Home is supposed to be a safe haven, where children learn and grow and we can escape the pressures and nastiness of the world.
I didn't grow up in a "broken" home.. I wasn't necessarily happy there, but all things considered I was safe at home.
Even without children in my home now, I still want so badly to create a place of refuge for my husband and I. He's often telling me that he wants home to be a place to just relax, somewhere he looks forward to coming back to every day. Unfortunately he can't always get his wish because it involves not having to come home and clean up or do homework, but I've really been wondering how I could help make our home a place we can feel peace and safety.

Which is why this month I'm focusing on the HOME. ya ya... its already a week into December, but I've been caught up with Christmas stuff which means I've been accomplishing this goal anyways.

My solutions for creating a safe haven at home:
1. Simplify. I don't know how it happened.. but somehow we've accumulated so much junk since we moved into our apartment a year ago. Well.. a lot of things I can't just throw out.. its important stuff, but  most of it is unnecessary to have anymore. Do we need 2 (and a half) sets of bed sheets when its just us 2 here? Do we need all the stuff I have crammed into the plastic drawers all over the place? Do we need the stacks of papers and books from classes we took a couple semesters ago? Probably not.. but ok you caught me, most of this stuff is mine.

2. Keep it clean. I've been testing this theory out for a little while.. the effect of a clean home on attitude. I've purposely left dishes in the sink and my school stuff all over when Sean and I go out to see how it feels when we come home. It feels monumentally more relaxing to walk into a clean home. I don't think I'll ever be able to keep up a spotless house, but I know it makes a huge difference to feel that your home is clean and decluttered.
So each night I (and hopefully Sean too) will be doing a nightly sweep of the apartment: picking up clothes, doing the dishes/putting them away, clearing surfaces and the floors. Waking up to a house of mess can be just as damaging to a feeling of relaxation as coming home to one.
I also have a new rule for myself, if it takes less than a minute to do something JUST DO IT.

3. Invite the Spirit. There is nothing as soothing or love-inducing as having the spirit, and my home could never hope to be a place of refuge without it. This means my choice of music will have to be something that invites it in (not hard with Christmas music all the time!) Also, I have one picture up of the Laie temple, but I should have more pictures of Christ and temples around our apartment to remind us of what is important. Nothing brings more importance to family than Christ's atonement and our ability to be with our families forever through the temple. My home cannot be a temple, but I'll do what I can to make it like one.

4. Sing at home. So much joy can spread through a home when an uplifting song rings through the rooms. Couple that with personal involvement in making it happen and the home will automatically feel much happier. (Note: if your singing would actually harm the peaceful feeling in the home.. just stick to playing nice music. :)  )

Simple things right? I'm sure there's more that could be included here, any ideas?

the Truth about Depression

Today's post is as much about marriage as it is about every other part of my life. Mostly, today is about happiness.
This topic is rather personal, and the only reason I'm inclined to share it is in case someone else is going through the same thing and could benefit from it.

Obviously from the title I'm posting today about depression.. clinical depression. Its something I have felt I've struggled with since high school. I don't know if my parents just didn't believe it was a real thing or if they were opposed to taking medicines for mental health issues.. but no matter the reason I never got the chance to go see someone about it. Don't get me wrong, I have really great memories from high school where I wasn't irritated and sulking around, thankfully I had friends who made me happy.
Thats something we're not supposed to say right? We're not supposed to have someone else making us happy, "happiness is a choice" "you don't get happiness from others, its something you give."
Its awesome if you believe those things because they're true for you, but I'm telling you that happiness was not my choice. That I would have been a very different person if I didn't have people making me happy because I couldn't be on my own.
I can't accurately describe what depression feels like to someone who hasn't experienced it. Its not just being unhappy... its knowing that you're unhappy, wanting happiness, but having no motivation to Do anything about it. I've spent days wasting time at home watching tv or on fb because even if the weather was perfect for the beach and I would love being there, it felt exhausting to have to get ready and go.. and what if the clouds came and it was all a waste anyways?

I know how it sounds.. and it sounds the way it is, depression is just negative. Its not a positive feeling in any way, and you can only imagine how this can affect a marriage. I find myself constantly irritated at the dumb things Sean says or does, no patience to let it slide or take the high road. In fact, I would be irritated even if he didn't do anything dumb at all! I get frustrated when writing papers because I can't focus on what I want to say. I feel tired ALL the time. I have no determination to face a trial with a good attitude. Depression feels like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket on you that weighs down your heart, body, and mind.
All of this has been really hard for Sean (which was in turn hard for me because I felt like he had no right to say that.) He believes happiness is a choice.. its one of the reasons I married him actually. He had the ability to make me happy. I don't know where it changed, but he wanted me to be stronger. He wanted me to be able to make the choices that would bring me happiness. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to do anything.

Well folks, a happy ending. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, went to the doc about it, and I've been taking a medicine for it for a couple weeks. I still have trials and stress from school, home, work, etc.. but I can handle it. I finally have the choice to "endure my trials well." Sean still says dumb things, but I am 10 times more patient and forgiving. More than that, what he says doesn't bring me down so much. It used to be that anything he said that even hinted at him not caring about me would send me into a tailspin of loneliness. No more! Life just seems.. more simple. If I have something to do, I do it. I don't fret alll day about the homework I have that night. I'm able to focus on where I am and enjoy that moment without constantly thinking about what is coming next.
Needless to say, I love it. I stopped caring about the stigma of having to take a drug for "mental illness". I don't care what people want to call depression.. its real and its hard, but there is no reason for people to spend their life struggling with it. I thought for awhile that not getting it treated would make me stronger because this is a temporary trial that I just have to endure well. I thought it made sense because I have really good days sometimes, so surely they weighed out the bad days. So dumb.. why have ANY days that are bad because of something that can be changed?

Hopefully this is the end of depression for me. If you're struggling with it or you think you may have clinical depression PLEASE talk to someone about it. There is no shame in suffering from something you cannot control, and there is definitely no shame in getting help for it.

Taking this step couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for my happiness project. (It has clearly boosted its success as well haha.) I have been able to focus on the real issues between Sean and I.. instead of getting hung up on the small ones.
I have to admit I stopped keeping track of my checklist everyday. It just seemed silly to be checking off that I successfully completed a day of "serving my husband" or "forgiving him quickly" if it was happening naturally (well, most days.) Without being hung up on my unhappiness I've been able to truly be with Sean during time we find for each other, instead of always worrying about the next task. I've been able to tell him simply "I'm annoyed at this right now" so that he knows to tread carefully. (Trust me, its been hard to do this.)

I apologize for the lack of insight this month about marriage. Its just.. working. My marriage wasn't exactly broken.. but aside from me taking medicine I can't put a finger on what has changed with both Sean and I in relation to our marriage. I feel closer to him and he has graciously showed me constantly how much I mean to him.
Was that there all along?

Different Kinds of Love

I fell in love with Sean very quickly. And, as anyone that has ever been in love can probably tell you, its a lot harder to learn to love than it is to fall in it. (Of course, when is falling ever very difficult?)

 Being in love is having stars in your eyes that cover up any faults your sweetheart has. Its being on a high 24/7 because even if you're not with your wonderfully perfect significant other, just thinking about them makes you happy. Its feeling like you aren't complete unless you're together, like living isn't the same without them and you don't understand how you did it before. Its being able to communicate with ease because no matter what you're really hearing, all of it is surely a sign you were meant to find each other.

Learning to love is simply not this way. Its forgiveness and patience for faults you realize you can't stand, its loving someone despite of the faults you can't stand. Its accepting that, even if your relationship isn't everything you thought it would be, he/she is worth the effort in learning to love them for who they are.

I read a lot of books by one author, Jodi Picoult (by "a lot" I mean all.. I've read all of them. And I think she is where I get my writing style from?) Anyways, her books almost always include a relationship between a husband and wife, young in-love high schoolers, or old friends in which the couple understands each other so perfectly sometimes they don't even need to talk and everything's being said. They complete each other, and love despite bad decisions and flaws.

I just discovered today that there is a perfect place on Sean's shoulder where I can lay and fit perfectly. I was wondering why I hadn't noticed it before, but I figured it was just because he was sitting differently or something. But it felt like what Jodi Picoult writes about... like suddenly I had come across a moment where we just fit together perfectly.

Soo I guess what I'm trying to say is that love changes. Even if its always there as an underlying connection between two people, as the reason they struggle through communicating and understanding each other... it changes.
I used to HATE that my relationship with Sean wasn't the one I had assumed my relationship with my husband would be. I wanted him to know what I needed without me saying a word, I wanted him to be patient with my faults and understand why I have them, and I thought he would constantly be assuring me how much I meant to him.
I have spent so many hours feeling nothing short of despair because I thought I would never have the relationship I felt I needed with my husband.

Thankfully I've come to my senses. In one of these low moments of self pity, when I found that I needed to be the one to comfort my husband even though I felt I was the one truly in need of of some TLC... I really understood what it means when people say "it takes time." It doesn't matter that I think I'm clearly spelling out for him what I'm thinking and what I need him to do, until he's ready to do it its not going to matter. And thats ok, because one day he will get it. Because love changes. Right now its a lifeline in a nasty storm of early married life, but one day it will be comfortable and understanding.

Sean and I are finding out new things about each other, and every day our relationship changes just a little. But sometimes it just takes a small change to help us realize that it is possible, that love has the power to soften hearts and tie two people together forever.

Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today.

Name that movie! (From the title..)

So guessss what month it is!! (Again..)

MARRIAGE MONTH! Yay!
Because I got behind a month by postponing my marriage month/making Faith take up 1.5 months, I was tempted to combine Marriage and Home together.. but both call for big things so I'll fit it in somewhere else.

Ok honestly just thinking about this month makes me nervous. BUT I have resolutions and I'm sincerely excited about it as well. Well, today I am anyways (who knows about tomorrow), which means there is no better time for me to put in writing what I plan on accomplishing this month.


In preparation for my marriage goals, I've poured over list after list.. "6 Ways to Build up Our Husbands", "20 Ways to Bring you and Your Husband Closer to each other", "100 Ways to Make your Marriage Rock", etc, etc.

These all have enlightening or creative ideas (the links are below if you're interested), but the only list I'm going to spell out fully is my "20 Ways..." List. I actually got this list from a lesson in church about the blessings of marriage.

1. Night and Morning Prayer

• This has become especially important to me since last month's goals. Marriage is between me, Sean, AND the Lord. We are totally inadequate to handle what we go through alone. So I've adopted the motto "Do your best and the Lord will do the rest" but for this to work we have to pray for his help.

2. A weekly planning Meeting

• I actually tried doing this last Sunday but I was doing other things at the same time so I got annoyed at like everything Sean was asking me. Haha so counterproductive. So during these meetings, FOCUS.

3. A daily phone call or personal conversation.
4. A weekly Date

• If you're trying to do this, PUT IT ON THE SCHEDULE. It won't happen if you're trying to squeeze it in somewhere last minute.

5. Patience REGARDLESS. [Ya.. I need this.]
6. Daily service.
7. A Budget.
8. Listening
9. Regular attendance at church meetings and the temple.
10. Daily Scripture Reading.
11. Working Together.
12. Forgiving Each other.
13. Courtesies.

• Leave the chair free where he usually puts his towel, declutter our surfaces, reminders...

14. Soft and Kind Words.
15. Learning together.
16. Respect.
17. Supporting your spouse's goals, needs, callings, etc..
18. Support your spouse's family
19. Occasional gifts.
20. Loving with ALL your heart. "Fall in love with the same person over and over again."

All of these things are important and I wish I could get them all perfect in a month, but I've chosen a few based on this list and the main things I feel that Sean and I need to work on.

So my resolutions are as follows::
FIRST: Daily Service. My last post revealed that one of my "aha" moments was realizing I need to serve more. My husband should be at the top of the list. So every day I'll try to serve him in some way.
SECOND: Play Time. Some days I wish we had nothing else in the world to do but be together, some days I'm grateful for work and school that give me a break from being at home.. but overall Sean and I need a lot more time together that is just spent having fun with each other. We don't always know how to do this, but this goal encompasses us finding a hobby we both enjoy and learning how to spend time together (sounds so ridiculous but trust me, we need it.) I also know I need to be more lighthearted. Easier said than done for me sometimes, but I know we need things to be less serious all the time. I want to be as happy and carefree as I was when we first started dating.
THIRD: Start a New Tradition. I have no idea where I want to go with this. So far I'm totally open minded about what this could mean, but I've read in a few places that traditions allow couples to have something to look forward to each time that event comes around. Plus I want to have fun traditions for our kids to grow up with.
FOURTH: Follow Our Budget. A staggering amount of marriages break up over finances. Over MONEY. As if it didn't ruin enough things in the world.. We have set up a tentative budget, the trick now will be making it through a month where we actually stick to it effectively.
FIFTH: 5 Minute Forgiveness. I forgive easily, but I have a hard time doing it without an apology. And Sean has a hard time apologizing for things he doesn't think are wrong. We've definitely improved as I've tried listening to his request for me to explain things clearly (like everything) and he has accepted that that is hard for me to do. There is vast room for improvement here though.
SIXTH: An Attitude of Gratitude. This is more of a command from my cousin (in a good way), but I've "decided" to start a small journal in which every day I write at least 3 things I am grateful for about Sean.

Marriage is hard you guys. But I have faith that it is worth it.
I could use a few different scriptures to say this, but one of my favorite endurance verses comes from the doctrine and covenants. Joseph Smith, who has been imprisoned in rotten conditions while the Saints are persecuted and killed cries out to God, asking him why he has forsaken his faithful children in the time of their greatest need. To which He replies "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." D&C 121:7-8.

Endure it well. Not just those of you who are stumbling through marriage, but with everything. The adversary doesn't want us to choose good things. He'll fight against every step we take towards living a better life, but it WILL BE worth every trial.

Sorry for the long post, its going to be a long month :)

6 Ways to Build Up your Husbands
100 Ways to Make Your Marriage Rock


p.s. the Movie I got the title from is The Princess Bride.

When you know, you know... so wait.

I can't think of a more eloquent title for my message today. This is a break from my happiness project updates, and as much as I wanted to wait to post this until my marriage month, I figure there's no point in putting it off.
Note: I may or may not write a book about this. The audience is mostly intended to be young LDS couples, but I imagine most of you will find it compelling anyways.

So you know that couple who's only been dating for a few weeks, or even a few months, and is already planning their wedding date? What is it that they say again? Oh, thats right "When you know, you know!"
Has our generation started to use this as a crutch for rushing into marriage? I absolutely believe that God knows us and He knows who would be good companions for us. I don't believe that there is "The One." There are far too many people in the world for that. I do believe that there are "the few" who can fulfill, at least partially, our romantic, fairy-tale expectations of being in love. The young couples we see getting engaged left and right can fall into this category, but this is rarely the case. In fact, sometimes the only common ground they share is the gospel, which I absolutely believe can be enough for a lasting marriage, but, and I can't stress this enough, NOT an easy one.
I am not saying don't get married unless you're best friends and you can read each others thoughts and he opens the door for you and you love to do the same things etc... I'm saying that it's wonderful to KNOW that he/she is right for you, that you've found someone that the Lord has put in your path as a potential eternal companion, but just because its right there is no reason to rush to the altar.
When two people get married, their relationship changes (usually) from a carefree dating and lovey-dovey stage to one with responsibilities to each other and expectations. For example, I didn't expect my husband when we were dating to tell me where he was going to be and where his money was being spent. When we got married, he was surprised to find that he could no longer go out to eat when he pleased or leave the house for hours without me getting upset at him upon his return. I expected that he would view marriage as I did: a partnership in which we communicate with each other, are open about everything, want to spend spare time together, and create a family budget together. For one reason or another, and culture can play a very heavy role in our expectations, but he did not (does not) have the same understanding of how a marriage should be as I do. I've found that BECAUSE we're married, it is WAY harder for us to come to an agreement about how marriage SHOULD or should not be. I have no way of testing this theory, but I believe that if we had taken the time to discuss what we wanted from marriage and what we expected of each other beforehand, we would be 10 times more willing to make the necessary changes for each other than we are now.

Which brings me to my point: WAIT. Get engaged, love each other, plan a wedding for the future, but WAIT on it. Take time to learn each other. Most people take a year to plan a wedding because there is too much planning to do on short notice. Mormon weddings don't require nearly as much preparation, but getting to know the person you'll be spending eternity with does. Ask the questions about your future. Get to know favorites, how they were raised, what they want out of life, their needs, and the list goes on and on.
Its not reasonable to think you can learn everything before marriage, and that would take the fun out of getting to know each other through the years... but the beginning of your marriage will be hard regardless of how in love you are, Don't make it harder by marrying someone you barely know!

Just.. learn each other you guys. Thats all.

Stuck?

First of all.. stuck is a very strange word if you look at it for a minute or two.

Second, I apologize for going almost a month without updating. I've occasionally thought of a topic to write about, but I haven't had a conclusion. I suppose I'm too stuck in the American narrative in which everything comes with a happy ending (.. wait does that still exist?) In any case, I've been nothing short of confused throughout all of October. I posted awhile ago about sticking to values.. that people won't be happy if they're living below the standards they have.
Well, as it turns out, just abiding by standards isn't enough either. This is an incredibly daunting message, and I'll explain why. When we finally come to turns with the idea that choosing the "right" (whatever we may deem it to be) brings us happiness, and we learn to live accordingly, we have just raised the bar for ourselves. If you're determined in life to be an underachiever you may excuse yourself at this time.
I like to think, though, that this isn't the case for many people. That when we truly think about ourselves and where we envision our future to be, it isn't in the same place as we currently are (or worse, a few steps backwards), but instead its somewhere better. No, we may not like the work thats necessary in progressing (ESPECIALLY when it feels like no one cares about our progress or attempts at improving ourselves)... but I have faith that we'll like the reward.
I've been trying my best to do it all. I've prayed, I've read the scriptures, I've gone to church, I fulfilled my responsibilities as a member of the church, I've gone to the temple... these are things I've heard my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE. Soo.. somehow I was expecting a round of applause and a break from hard days. ha. ha. ha.
On the contrary, I realized that I was still missing something very important. Unfortunately, it wasn't until about a week ago that I understood which gospel principle it was: service... Also something I've heard my whole life, but perhaps thats what has made is seem unimportant.
Thankfully, going into my church's General Conference with an inquisitive mind and open heart I was able to feel the weight of this counsel.

This quote is a bit long, but read it anyways!

Many of us are dutiful in attending our Church meetings. We work hard in our callings and especially on Sundays. That is surely to be commended. But are our minds and our hearts just as anxiously engaged in good things during the rest of the week? Do we just go through the motions, or are we truly converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ? How do we take the seed of faith that has been nurtured in our minds and plant it deep in the fertile soil of our souls? How do we make the mighty change of heart that Alma says is essential for our eternal happiness and peace?

Only when our testimony transcends what is in our mind and burrows deep into our heart will our motivation to love and to serve become like unto the Savior’s. It is then, and only then, that we become deeply converted disciples of Christ empowered by the Spirit to reach the hearts of our fellowmen.

-Elder M. Russel Ballard

so there ya have it. Well.. I could quote a lot of other parts of conference that hit me with this same idea. I will share one other quote that was weighing on my mind before the conference. 

"Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives."

-Pres. Thomas S. Monson

well there ya have it. Service my friends. That it. That is what has gotten me out of the rut I've been in. Other counsel regarding this (that I don't feel like finding the exact quote of) urges us to pray every morning for opportunities to serve. I've been really trying to do this. I can feel that this is what I'm supposed to be working on. Take it or leave it.. thats where my happiness will come from.

I could take this message so much further.. In fact I could spend a year telling you all about this one thing. I will let you know how its going, and maybe share an experience or two. If I don't though, its mostly because these kinds of experiences are usually very special to me, and somehow sharing them feels like bragging about how wonderful I am and how much I help others. Just knowing that some may view it that way makes me cautious to share too much, but I'll share what I feel like I need to for your benefit! 

Sorry again for the delay, it won't happen again :] (uh.. hopefully.) 

"HELP WANTED"

Have you ever seen the show "Made"? I believe it was on MTV or something like that... and I was never a big fan, but essentially the show is about individuals who want to be "made" into someone else. Usually its a very drastic change from the person that they start out as. (For instance, a country boy wanting to become a fashion designer.)
Again, I was not an avid fan of the show, but I've always been attracted to the premise of it. There have been so many things I've wanted to be, and talents I've wanted to develop that seemed out of the scope of possibility.
Exhibit A: Dancing. I attempted a dance class in high school, and I actually kind of enjoyed it. But I've always felt too tall to look as graceful as the dancers I admired. Soo... I quit dance to be an athletic trainer (which somehow covered my PE credit without us doing any physical activity.)
It is also important to understand how much I love watching people perform. It inspires me. When I watch So you think you can dance, my leg and arm muscles are dying to try out the choreography. When I listen to music I can envision how I would dance to it if my body knew how to.
I had a moment last night, while I was re-watching my favorite dances from this last season, where I pictured my life in the future. I realized that I will never be a dancer. I'm not taking classes, I'm not trying to become more flexible, I'm not doing anything. I can't even explain how crushed I was to figure this out. I doubt I'm the only one that wants to become someone, but imagines that it will just happen with all the time I have left for my life.
Some people start dancing when they are toddlers, some in their teens. I don't think there are many who start at 21, but I want to be a dancer.
I would explain the point of all this, but I think this quote says it best..

So if you know someone, or you are someone, who is patient and willing to work with an inflexible, uncoordinated wannabe dancer, please send them my way!

(Seriously though.)

Lessons from my Childhood

FAITH

Sorry its taken me a bit to update what it is I'm doing this month (and next.) Rest assured, I have not been slacking or quitting.
In Texas my stake president* had a famous saying that he would give each time he spoke to the youth "Good choices = happiness." So simple. We all knew that when he spoke to us it would come up at some point. I suppose it was very important for him to know that we knew it.
"Perseverance in making correct decisions is what leads us to happiness.
Happiness comes as a result of our obedience and our courage in always doing the will of God, even in the most difficult circumstances."-Benjamin De Hoyos
I've heard this said different ways. Once the message went something like "living beneath the standards you hold for yourself will bring you unhappiness." Most people have a moral code. I'm aware yours may not be the same as mine, but it doesn't matter if it is or not when applying this principle. If you are living below the morals you have for yourself you will not be happy. When your actions reflect the opposite of who you truly are, you will not be happy.
I think the world and all the broken things about it scream at us to just lower our standards, lower our morals and we can be happy that way. I suppose its true... for a moment.
Its possible to have a crazy night of laughing and messing around that will look just like happiness. But the next morning, if you remember it, your happiness might leave you with a headache, an embarrassing story or photo, a disappointed friend or family member. I promise you true happiness does not come with negative consequences. Promise.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you (and myself) is not to lower your standards or morals to fit into someone else's "happy" story. The only way it will be your happy ending is to know who you are, what you stand for, and to live accordingly.


On that note.. this month I'm putting into action the things I've heard since I was primary aged.
1. Read the scriptures daily. I've been doing this since my first month so I've already got a pretty good head start on this one.
2. Pray every morning and night. Whats funny is that the three things that the church stresses to us is "read the scriptures, pray, and go to church," but what I've realized throughout this last month and a half is that you have to do all of them together for it to work. I've been reading the book of Mormon every day, but I haven't been praying and building a relationship with God or Christ... it hasn't felt the same. So this is one I'm really working on improving.
3. Attend a temple session each week. If you're not LDS this won't make any sense to you, but essentially at the mysterious Mormon temple we go to make promises with God. Like any promise, commitment, or resolution its easy to forget about it as life goes by. Going each week will remind me the standards I've committed to and make it easier to keep them.
4. Excel in my church calling. K so far I've failed this.. I am a "Visiting Teaching supervisor." The women of a ward are assigned a companion and at least 2 other women to visit and teach. This is the Lord's way of making sure His daughters are individually looked after and taken care of. I am responsible for visiting the girls, but I also have to keep track of whether or not every other girl in my building has visited theirs.
5. Bear testimony to what I believe every chance I get. I have opportunities through my job to tell people about the LDS church because the PCC is so closely connected to it. I don't usually take chances when someone brings it up, but I do hope that they can at least feel the loving spirit that Christ offers (hopefully) through me serving them.

Religion is a tough topic. There is so much in my heart that I wish I could express about how important it is. We live in extremely tough times where happiness is hard to find. I doubt I'll convert someone through a blog post, but in the chance that you're reading this and you're feeling lost, lonely, or unhappy... give Christ a chance. I would love to point you in the right direction of a ward family or 2 guys in nice suits who can uplift you and help you understand lasting happiness.
Love you all! Have a wonderful day today!













*For those who don't know what a stake president is.. The LDS church tries to keep congregations smallish. They separate a city into different "ward" boundaries based on how many members will be in each congregation. A bishop presides over an individual ward. The wards are grouped into stakes based on region and a stake president presides over the group of wards.

Misjudged my Priorities

I haven't had an update for you since my marriage month began.

Thats because any update on my progress would really just be a negative report about how I've totally bombed this month's goals. 

I've been completely disheartened and confused, but thankfully I understand now that I simply misjudged what my priorities are supposed to be.

I've been told in every young women's marriage lesson ever to marry someone who loves God more than me. I felt I kept that in mind while I dated my husband, but now I find myself placing our relationship above the relationship I have with my Savior and my Father in Heaven. 

I'm not sure who reads this.. I'm sure some of you aren't Mormon, but it doesn't matter. If your relationship with God is stronger than it is with anyone else in your life, you will be able to love anyone  and everyone far greater than you ever believed you could. I've been so focused on placing my husband first, my marriage first.. and frankly I just thought it was cute to have my marriage month correspond with my anniversary.. that I placed marriage before faith. But marriage isn't between just my husband and myself. 

If I want to love my husband more, it might happen in small increments by going out on dates and serving him, but it will come in waves by strengthening my faith. This quote is actually from a Christian website, but I like it

"If happiness is our primary goal, we'll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane," Thomas says. "If receiving love is our primary goal, we'll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense."

I want that. I want my marriage to be, in itself, of God and devoted to God. Right now it is just.. not that way. I don't know how this will work when it is just me working towards this specific relationship, but I also hope that being closer to the Lord myself will be an example to Sean and I'll know how to be happiness in our home.  

On that note, marriage month is officially over. It will reconvene, possibly with different goals, in November. The rest of September and October will be given to faith, which would've been my third month anyways. A rundown of these new goals will come shortly! 

Month 2 Begins!

Well.. month 2 began yesterday. So far I've completely failed all resolutions across the board this month. I fully blame the stress of trying to travel these past couple days, but regardless of why it happened I need to jump start my dead happiness resolutions car.

So for September I am introducing a very big/happiness-determining topic: MARRIAGE

(dun dun dun)

I have a 30 day husband appreciation project that I'll work on throughout the month that I recently found on pinterest, but aside from that I have quite a few new things to add to my daily resolution chart.

Deep breaths.. here we go

A.  Cooking: To Sean (or maybe its a Polynesian thing?) having a big meal ready for him at the end of his day is a huge indicator of how much I care about him. This has been extremely difficult for me this past year. I didn't get the mormon-housewives-are-good-at-cooking memo and I certainly didn't receive any chef genes. Cooking frustrates me.. the measurements, the hard-to-understand instructions, spending so much money on ingredients. On top of this, I've been under the impression that everything I do for Sean may not be noticed, but at least I put him first. He doesn't quite see things the same way. So this month I'll have dinner ready at least 3 days a week, and each week I will learn to make a new meal, NOT because I have a desire to cook, but because Sean needs to know without a doubt that he means everything to me. If cooking's the way to do it, I'll literally swallow my aversion to making new things and JUST DO IT. 

B.  Play time: For those of you who read this and aren't LDS you won't know what "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" is, but anyways in this proclamation they give a few things that a successful marriage is built on. One of them is wholesome recreational activities. So each week Sean and I will be setting aside a date night (hopefully.) I made a "can of dates" with quite a few dates already planned out because our hardest obstacle in spending time together turns out not to be finding the time, but rather deciding what to do with our time. (If you want to keep up with the dates we do you can check out my new MadiSean blog -started in congruence with marriage month. If you want date ideas, recipes, photos, the whole shibang, it will have it this month. www.madisean.blogspot.com) 

C.  Start a new Tradition: So far my anniversary trip tradition that I was hoping to start has been an epic failure. I'm taking it as a sign that this is not a tradition that I'll be able to keep up with (ooh.. or maybe the tradition will be having a failure of a trip every year. ugh I feel sick just imagining this whole week repeating itself.) So I'll be consulting a few pinterest ideas I've pinned for creative tradition ideas that I'll want for when my kids grow up (because Sean and I aren't the greatest and coming up with things like that.) Anyways, the point of this one is to start something that we both enjoy and we look forward to each year. Luckily its not something I have to do every day. 

D. Create a budget: Money could totally have its own month, but I'm hoping I can trick my brain into being less anxious about it by making it seem like a small task on a list. We don't struggle with money, but we're not smart with it either. We DEFINITELY don't agree with where it should be spent. Part of this problem will be alleviated as I make food a higher budget priority (hopefully), but I prefer to buy things that last (say.. clothes for instance?) I don't shop EVER anymore.. and I've had maybe 1 decent shopping trip in a year (which was with my mother.) Its driving me a little bit crazy actually. So its about time to sit down together and create a reasonable weekly budget for ourselves. Money can be a huge addition to happiness, or deterrent from happiness. As a couple we mostly just avoid talking about it, so if anything its a negative topic of discussion. (Any budgeting tips for us?) 

E. Cultural differences: Some of you know that I am an international cultural studies Anthropology major. This means that I've been taking classes for 2ish years about different cultures, intercultural communication, handling differences, seeing the world differently, etc. I would do well with a refresher of a lot of these courses, but aside from that I never really studied anything in depth about my husband's background. A good friend of mine, also in an intercultural marriage, told me that she's been learning about the way her husband was raised and how it affects what is important to him and all that. She said it helped her understand why he said some of the things that offended her or why he believes what he does (like having a meal ready as a show of love). So this month I'm going to be researching the way Sean was raised and how its shaped what he thinks and how he understands the world.

F. Forgiveness: One of the biggest argument-prolongers that we encounter is my inability to apologize after being the one who was offended/hurt/etc. (The way I worded that sentence makes it pretty obvious that I still have a tremendously hard time with this.) I understand how Sean thinks about it.. he doesn't want to be the only one thats making the mistake, and me bringing something up that offended me (or whatever it was) hurts him. So this problem will be resolved in a few steps. 1. Take no longer than 5 minutes to forgive him/ "get over" whatever it was he did/said. 2. If it is important enough of an issue to find a solution, begin the conversation by apologizing for needing to talk about it 3. Stay as calm as possible and be aware that he's not going to like the conversation, so patience is necessary.

Any tips about how you've made this process easier? 

Soo that was a lot. Obviously this is going to be a very full, and hopefully pivotal month. 

One year of marriage down.

Puzzle Pieces

I got this awesome puzzle for 5 bucks from Walmart as a "lets sit down and talk for awhile" thing to do with my husband. We definitely did not find homes for all 1000 pieces in one night, so I'm still drudging through what I thought would be relatively simple. I guess matching up puzzle pieces opened up my brain's creative thinking cabinet because I've been pondering all afternoon.
I won't bore anyone with the rantings of my brain, but I did come up with a nice analogy for my puzzle solving and my happiness project month of persevering (because not giving up is essential to solving a 1000 piece puzzle of which half the pieces consist of sand and sky.)

Start with what you know how to do. After completing my border, did I begin my puzzle with all of the blue sky pieces that look exactly alike? (well.. Sean did which is probably why he's no longer helping me.).. No, I began with the bright yellow sailboat because bright yellow pieces are easy to find and there were a limited number of them. If you have a long list of things to complete in one day, or even over a longer time period, don't start with the most difficult, time-consuming task. Start small. Finishing the yellow boat was an easy indicator of things getting accomplished, of progression. I believe people can only live so long in a fixed state before they feel the urge to move on and progress towards something. By the same token, if you work and work at something and you don't see any results from your hard work, its extremely difficult to keep working at it, right? So allow yourself to complete small things before you tackle the big ones. And when you do get to the big things, try as much as possible to break them up into small steps.

Believe it or not I'm still reading the original Happiness Project book. I got so busy this month that I didn't get to finish reading through my inspiration, but almost every chapter I've read has had the same self-reflection by the author "Is all of this really making me happier?"
Will crossing off "wash the dishes" from my to-do list really allow me to be happy throughout a tiring 6 hour work day in the sun? No.. no, probably not. But what I'm learning how to do is invaluable to my project, and if I can make it a habit it will become invaluable for my life. I'm changing how I go about accomplishing things that need to get done in a way that will boost the feeling of accomplishment at the end, while also avoiding being overwhelmed and discouraged. I'm never going to stop having things to do.
Just like I'm finding all of the things I love about doing an obnoxious puzzle (i.e. when the right piece happens to be right next to where it should be, how accomplished I feel finishing a sailboat, feeling like I have a real talent completing puzzles, etc.) I'm trying to go about every day finding something new that I love about this process. (It's a good thing that I love learning in general because that is often the only thing that I can identify.)

I have a new goal this week. Reading is a hobby of mine, and though I have a lot of other things to do this week, I want to attack my school library and find any book on determination, perseverance, and marriage that I can. I know that was a poorly worded goal, but I don't really want to put a number on how many books I need to find or read.. I'll just know when I feel accomplished. :)
 My marriage month is coming up in just 1 week! I'm mostly ready, and I don't feel too worried about adding new things because I've already tested out a few marriage-building goals this month.

Happiness in Small Places

Perseverance. Hmm.
I keep finding myself running out of goals. Its taking more effort to come up with a goal than it takes to accomplish it! Which is why I'm teaching myself to consciously set aside break time.
I've been writing down to-do lists (something I'm supposed to be doing every day for this month) but I get discouraged when the same task doesn't get accomplished and shows up on the list day after day. Discouraged isn't the right word.. lets try annoyed, upset, angry.
Failing is unpleasant.
To knock off a few of those pesky tasks I decided to allow myself some leeway. I used my first commandment "Ask for help."
I've had a consistently reoccurring feeling of guilt throughout this past year because I never sent any thank you notes after our wedding. (I'm sure I'm the only one who's ever done this! How horrible!!) Just kidding.. I realize this is fairly common, but rude nonetheless. So an anniversary thank you note is in the making, but I'm daunted by the complete lack of addresses, pictures, and sufficient "sorry-this-a-year-late-but-we-really-appreciate-your-help" wording. My solution: I asked a few people to help me gather addresses and I crossed it off my to-do list. There's no use having something up every day if it only makes me anxious about how I'm going to complete it. I made a step so no more nagging reminder. (a bit of happiness and relief ensued.)
As I mentioned, I've given myself break time. For instance, yesterday I went to town just to sit at the mall. My intention was to just people watch, but (to no one's surprise I'm sure) I may have stepped into Forever21. I bought my new favorite shirt and I laugh at anyone who says money can't buy happiness!

I also laugh at people who think I've become an "adult" (which, granted, there aren't many) cause I'm definitely still a child at heart. 

Sean and I attended a small concert at our school. AJ Rafael (a youtube artist) performed and of course my favorite song was his rendition of a Disney medley. It was hilarious and absolutely brightened up the evening. 

For those who have read this blog since the beginning you know I started with an apartment makeover. That was a good start, but I've also realized as the junk builds back up that having a cluttered and messy home brings my mood down like 10 notches and puts me in a funk I can't erase without a nap. So strange to me.. Perhaps its because I know I'm supposed to be the homemaker for our home which means establishing "a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God." D&C 88:119

A messy house does not a "house of order" make. 

Moral of the story:: buying things can bring happiness, clean your house, and don't be afraid to be a child sometimes. 

Also, working towards and accomplishing goals is a huge source of happiness, so if you're going to take a break from a goal do it to find more things that can bring happiness! 

A Test

Well I had a bit of a slip up with my "Go a week without telling my husband anything he does wrong" goal last night. Just a day shy of completing the goal too! Darn. (I am on the fence about whether I should count it or not though because technically he brought up what he did and I agreed. What do you think?)

So this morning I feel discouraged and a bit lonely. He was off to work early and I'm supposed to work soon.. but whenever I feel this way I find myself running through conversations with my boss about taking today off. My job as a tour guide requires me to be happy and service-oriented for about 6 hours straight. While I almost inevitably leave happy from my job, I know that the people coming today have paid a lot for a guide that can put everything aside for them. I have an awesome boss who understands when we have bad days, and would rather us take a day to ourselves than represent the PCC in a negative way.
So my problem at this point is that I'm tired of taking days off because of this! I feel like I'm disappointing my boss and robbing myself of an opportunity to do something I love, but I don't feel at all ready to go serve people all day.
I'm using today as a test. Can I leave my problems at the back gate and smile for everyone else.

“It makes me happy to encounter goodness, love of work, humane intelligence, and people no matter at what kind of job, be it ever so humble, or ever so exalted, who do it well and con amore.”
-Bernard Berenson

Maybe, just maybe, I can bring someone else happiness today by going into work. 

Hiccups.

I feel like today is needing a blog post, but I'm distracted by way too many things to make it insightful.

Distraction #1: I cannot get rid of the hiccups! They are driving me totally insane.

Distraction #2: I think better when I've rested well, and after a few days straight of tour-guiding my  brain and body are tired.

Distraction #3: an accumulating mess. Sean has been placed in charge of making money for our honeymoon. (We are using his tip money from tours that usually gets spent as quickly as its made.) However I feel that its unfair to put our whole trip on him so I'm helping out in small ways. I've been selling some of our random junk we never use, and as a more fun project I'm buying, upscaling, and then reselling stuff. I'm on a decorative vases kick, so right now my "living room" area is covered in trash bags, vases, and white spray paint overspray. I think the vases look pretty cool.. perhaps I shall take a photo? (eh.. maybe later.)

So fine I don't have very good reasons not to be intuitive tonight, but the hiccups really are a major thinking impediment.

In other news:
I've created my August resolutions chart and its all up to date! I already love have something to look at to track my progress, it makes it much easier to see the areas I need to improve (and where I'm doing well of course!)
So far my daily task has been 100% consistent! I've found that as I'm falling asleep and I remember that I haven't done it, knowing that I have to report my progress somewhere can be enough to get me up to do it.
My being-nice-to-husband goal is going well too! I've had a couple close calls but its been mostly smooth sailing.

I still have the hiccups so I'm done here.

Perspective

One of Gretchen's (author of "The Happiness Project") months was focused on contemplating the eternities. My focus on gaining perspective is not only present in my rule to "Remember Eternity," but will be more intensely studied in my month for faith. However, without getting too ahead of myself, I had a moment of clarity today that I think is worth noting.
For those of you who belief in a life that came before this and a life that will come after, I have a sharper focus on what exactly it means to believe in these different stages.
Imagine eternity as a geometric line. It extends infinitely in both directions.
like so..
<------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Now imagine yourself at a specific place in eternity, in fact the only place that can divide your eternal life into different stages.
<-------------------------------------------------O------------------------------------------------>
We have existed for who knows how long before we came to earth here. Unfortunately we can't remember that part of ourselves while in the mortal life, but I guarantee that we used the "time" before our life here to prepare for this life because our choices here are that important.
Which means that the choices we make here and how we choose to live our very brief, yet significant, lives determines our ETERNITY. Think about that. We have a max of about 100 years here to find the truth that our whole souls are trying to remember. We've made it this far in our eternal journey, don't you think we owe it to ourselves to find the ultimate joy that comes from remembering who we are.
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." (You can find the source of this quote HERE)
This life is hard, but you owe it to yourself to figure out why it has to be that way. And compared to an eternal, infinite, never-ending existence, it is only a "small moment." This small moment prepares us for everything, for the infinite line that extends into eternity.

I'm sharing this because in order to persevere, or endure, in anything its necessary to have a purpose. Every so often I'm reminded of mine, and everyone else's, purpose of this life. I'm blessed to understand what it is.

Starting the week off on a positive note and a renewed perspective!

Soul searchin

As you may have noticed, my resolutions for this month are nothing spectacular. They're small things that small daily actions either achieve or forget. Which is why I have no spectacular news for you about how this project has changed my life... but I'm hopeful that the day will come that I will be able to say my life is changing.
So, as I've hinted before, my relationship with my husband is one of my "perseverance" hurdles. If we aren't doing well, I have a hard time doing well on a personal level. Part of this month is to be able to do well regardless of our disagreements, but I'm ever-aware of my breaking point. Too many arguments and I lose my capacity for hope (which would result in a quick end to this project.)

A new goal!
go 1 week without asking my husband to improve anything for me.

explanation:
I've discovered the secret to men!
Well.. fine I didn't discover it.. Some experts discovered it and I read about it in a book. They are motivated by their desire not to fail... like with everything and anything.
Sean gets very discouraged with himself when I ask for even a small thing to be different. Which is probably because I feel I need to correct every teeny tiny thing that I think should be different. I couldn't understand why it was sooo hard for me to just let it go! But I think I understand now why I do it. Its a well known fact that everyone is on their best behavior during dating, and its not until married life assumes a routine that we begin to see a not-so-perfectly-charming side to our spouses. I knew before I married Sean that it was right for us to get married, and I was excited about it because I was so in love and he made me so happy. As we've struggled through understanding each other and we have become more and more aware of each other's faults, our relationship has grown strained at best. The bottom line is, I've been afraid. All my life I've grown up making lists of the qualities my wonderful husband will have. They weren't bad things to hope for, but I built so many expectations for him! So as the months have gone by and I've tried to kill the expectations that weren't met, I've grown more and more afraid that I chose someone who wasn't right for me. Which is why when I get the opportunity to "teach" him how I would prefer him to act towards me, I can't let it go. I don't want him to think its ok. Guess what he's learned by me doing this, "it's never good enough." I feel so awful that I've turned our marriage into such a guessing game of "who will mess up next?"
Fact: It was absolutely the right choice for Sean and I to get married.
Fact: We both want a loving and happy relationship.
Fact: Nagging won't change a dang thing.

I know I'm getting a jump start to my marriage month, but if I don't I fear I won't get to month 2. It all connects anyways!

Happiness Project: Day 1

Here we go!! 

This month I will be working on
PERSEVERANCE
because nothing would be worse than making this plan and then getting tired of it and quitting before I've gotten anywhere with it.
So here's the plan...

Accomplishing goals encourages me and makes me happy. I feel more confident in myself so this month I will

• Set attainable goals with a concrete finish
• Begin a daily task (read scriptures)
• Listen to my shoulder angel in times of discouragement.
• Make a list/plan to accomplish more each day

My mom inspired the third bullet. Remember in The Emperor's New Groove when Kronk's shoulder angel and devil are arguing about what he should do? The idea is for me to ignore the negative thoughts telling me this is hopeless... and instead just keep going!

This month is also about learning to maintain a habit which is why the second bullet is so important. "If at first you don't succeed, try. Try again." (I know thats not how that quote is supposed to be split up but I like it better that way.) I get discouraged when I miss a day of my supposed-to-be-daily task, so to help I'm going to apply a few of Gretchen's tips for maintaining a work out schedule because I feel it applies. 

"Always do it on Mondays, never skip it for 2 days in a row, give yourself credit for the smallest effort." 

I've also noticed that my motivation is actually pretty easy to renew. When I hear a talk or read a book or quote I remember my direction and I can see myself being an improved version of myself. Which is why every day or so I'll have a new inspirational quote or lyric or whatever it may be. This insight also includes listening in church to messages about how to be more like Christ. 

"Persistance is your measure of faith in yourself." -unknown




p.s. I'll be keeping track daily of my progress on Gretchen's happinessprojecttoolbox.com site, and I'll be measuring my weekly progress on a physical Resolution Chart. My goals, thoughts, and progress notes will be right here! 

To be or not to be

Going into my project tomorrow I feel I have a confidently confused sense of direction. I've been thinking (while cleaning) today and I think I've found the reason for my enigma. 
I know the goals I've set for myself. I know I've made a lot of them with the intent to help my marriage be better. I'm confident that my marriage is the most important part of my life.. but when I start to picture myself completing these goals something doesn't click. I'm doing them with a good intent and I know what I want the outcome to look like, so what's the problem?
I can't actually see myself doing many of them! I picture a perfect Mormon housewife who wants kids yesterday and loves cooking and cleaning up after her wonderful husband who just got home from his fulfilling, lucrative job. 
YA RIGHT.
That is not my life. (Sorry if I offended any Mormon housewives who live that life. I didn't intend for it to have a negative connotation!) It's just simply.. not the life I live. I struggle through being married and I'd rather go to school than stay home and learn a new way to cook pork for my meat-loving husband. 
So in order to tackle this project I've got to learn to embrace who I am, while also fighting with who I am. 


The trick will be understanding when I need to be myself, and when I need to let go of myself. 


For example.. I used to love running in the rain. When it starts pouring rain and I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, do I go outside and run in the rain for a minute (even though it will risk the chicken on the stove)? OR do I fight that desire and stay inside to have food for my husband. Honestly, I don't know what the correct answer would be. I know that when this has happened, an opportunity that presents itself often in my windward Oahu home, I've stayed inside.. thinking that I'm being selfless and choosing to make his meal over my few minutes of joy. He's not even aware that I made the choice, but when the rain stops I always end up with a little bit of resentment towards him, as if he held me back from being myself. 
I should've gone out in the rain. 
Another example.. when we argue and he says something that makes no sense, my first instinct is to correct him or tell him that it made no sense. What does that solve though? He just gets mad and I get more frustrated. So the answer is obvious, try to understand what he's saying in a patient way. 


So moral of the story. I'll be using myself to bring happiness, and I'll be losing myself to bring happiness. Which means that each day will begin with a prayer to help me discern when the right time for each arrives. 


"Also, what is happiness good for if we can't help others be happy too?
Either we go through life pretending to be someone we're not, or we embrace who we are (the good and the bad) and we love others for doing the same." -April M. 

Runners take your mark!

I'm getting down to the last couple days before my year of happiness-finding begins! So today I have my 12 areas to work on and my 10 rules.

Resolution Calendar
August: Perseverance
September: Marriage
October: Faith
November: Home
December: Learning
January: Attitude
February: Health
March: Service
April: Friendship
May: Hobbies
June: Mental Health
July: Happiness


The 10 Lost Commandments
1. Ask for Help.
2. Do it Now.
3. Smile at Everyone.
4. Its never too late to learn.
5. Anger and frustration are never the answer.
6. Identify the problem, spend the time to find the solution.
7. Remember Eternity.
8. One task, one step, one day at a time.
9. Lighten Up. 
10. Act the Way I want to Feel.

Marriage, friendship, attitude, and happiness of my resolutions list and numbers 2, 6, 9, and 10 of my "commandments" come from Gretchen. Many of my other resolution categories are also inspired by her book and the things she works on.
At the beginning of each month I'll post the resolutions that I will be working on that month. Which means that in just 2 days I'll be posting August's and starting to work towards making each day a little bit happier!
So now that I have my plan its time to make a resolutions chart. Gretchen set up a website happinessprojecttoolbox.com to help people like me who are trying to do this on their own. I already have my e-resolution chart set up for the month of August on her website, but I haven't decided if I will also have a concrete version as a visible reminder.

IN OTHER NEWS
I filled Sean in a little bit more yesterday on my plan for the next year. His first review of my resolution chart list was a "*pause*.. well this is great but I don't think it's really possible." (To keep up with it all that is.) Perhaps I should have started my perseverance resolutions a few days early? By the end of our conversation though he decided that he wanted to do one as well. I believe he wrote down his plan for 2 months so we'll see if he does anything past that. In any case I became even more aware of how difficult it's going to be to support myself through this. A year is a long time! It's so easy to give up, and  I'm worried about the hurdles I'll come across and whether or not I'll even want to try to jump them (let alone if I'll actually make it over.)
One day at a time, right?

Its also hard not to want to start everything at once. As I tried to prioritize my list and which resolution category would go with each month I realized that everything was important. Which is why my list may be rearranged according to what I find needs more help as I go.
I think I have the idea right now that I'm going to forget about my usual habits and daily activities and only focus on this project for the next year. Which I also know is unreasonable and that I will probably get discouraged when this isn't the case. The trick to keeping many resolutions, I think, will be incorporating them into my daily life so that throughout the year they become my normal habits.

Goal for Today:: CLEAN UP THE APARTMENT! I have no hope of starting this project with a messy home and finishing up my painting projects is taking forever. So today they'll be getting finished and I'll be getting rid of/selling the random things in our place that I never use.


"Some people will tell you to let a smile be your umbrella. But some days only the real thing will do. But the realest, plainest things can be filled with your favorite kind of wonder."
-Jim Howard "ON THE BRIGHT SIDE" 

Distractions

I get overwhelmed very easily. Clutter, mess, stacks of paper, dishes... you name it and my apartment's got it right now. (I'd take a picture but its bad enough to be embarrassing.) I began a revamp project to hopefully be finished before August 1st that includes de-cluttering, rearranging and upscaling some of my furniture. I like beginning new things with a new environment. I don't have a lot of room or funds to work with so its been cramped and is quickly becoming overwhelming. I started by selling our large desk to clear space in my "living room". It was a last minute decision but I sold it cheap within 20 minutes of posting it. That cleared up some space to rearrange my table, couch, tv and small desk. While doing this  I also began painting a bookshelf for a friend and the top of my desk. Since this started last Saturday I've had stacks of paintings, papers and board games lying around in need of a new home. I'm trying to finish my painting projects so I can free up space, but that means I don't have very much time to keep the kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom clean. I have my work cut out for me today.
Plan of attack: Grocery store & ACE (I'm totally out of soap, sponges, painting supplies, and our toothpaste is on its last couple uses.) --> paint first coat of bookshelf --> clean kitchen --> second coat of polyurethane on desk --> clean bedroom --> sort through stacks.. get rid of useless stuff, find a home for artwork, organize Sean's school stuff --> clean out storage shelf area (and then refill with stuff I actually need to store).. aaand somewhere in there I'll be making dinner for my husband. yay! I'm already tired just thinking about all of this, but I've got to start somewhere so I'm taking it one step at a time and trying to enjoy the process.

IN OTHER NEWS
I'm almost done with my monthly plans and rules to live by. I've already started applying some of my rules (because one of them is "do it now" so it would be counterproductive to wait to "do it now" later.)   I'm hoping I'll have them to post by the end of today as I'll have lots of thinking time today! Also I'm taking suggestions for good "work-around-the-house" music or pandora playlists.

"The air is just for you to breathe. Your heart is just for making music. Whatever happens today, you are all-the-way-alive."
-On the Bright Side by jim howard

A Plan and a Purpose

Before I begin my project I have to give credit where credit's due. My real inspiration for this process comes from a book by Gretchen Rubin called "The Happiness Project." I'm not going to attempt to recreate her project because, as she says, no one's will be the same. Everyone is working through their own very unique and personal trials, so no one would have the exact same goals as anyone else. What I will be using from her project is the process and design of it. Each month she focuses on an area of her life. As I mentioned in my first post, I haven't outlined what I'll be working on each month, but I am sure that I know where I will start. I have this awful habit of starting things, usually longterm goals/projects, and then getting bored of them or losing purpose. So in order to make sure that doesn't occur with this project I am starting with "Perseverance."
I have decided to start my project on August first. Starting in the middle of the year on anything having to do with new goals or habits is already a stretch for me. (I'm one of those people girls that always says "I'm starting my diet on Monday!" so naturally I hate the idea of starting a longterm project at any time of the year but January with my New Years resolutions.) That being said, starting in the middle of July would be too much to handle. So August first it is! That gives me about a week and a half of prepping and scheduling.
My prep work includes:

• making a "Resolutions Chart"  Like Gretchen, I love recognition for effort I put into things. I don't think I'll be counting on my husband to keep me on track with this project, so having a chart will allow me to reward myself with something as simple as a check mark next to completed tasks. Having a physical chart will also provide a visible reminder of what I'm supposed to be working on. 
• Decide on my 12 areas to work on Each month for a year I'll be focusing on one new part of my life. As the months progress I'll be adding each previous month's habits to the next months. (I'm bad at explaining things, so if this doesn't make sense it will in time.) 
• Create each month's goals I don't really like goals that start with "Be.." Like "be kinder, be more hard working, be an awesome wife, etc.." I don't feel like those are goals I can look at and know exactly what I'm working towards. Each month I will come up with about 5 concrete "action goals" that will help me to better the area of my life that I'm working on that month. These are the goals that will be tracked on the "Resolutions Chart" (with my gold stars and everything :] )
• Create Rules to Follow I fear this might be my hardest step. It's going to require some creative thinking and intense personal reflection. Gretchen used her rules to guide her actions throughout the project. I will post hers when I come up with mine (and maybe steal a few of hers as well.) 
• Get my Husband on board I've already said that I won't be relying on him for this project because if I did it would destroy part of the purpose. I'm doing this for me! Sound selfish right? Well.. not really. I'm starting to realize that if I want a happy, loving environment at home its up to me to create and maintain it. So before we begin to bring children into our home I want to be happy on my own, not relying on the way someone else treats me to decide my attitude. Getting Sean "on board" then, is really just bringing him up to speed. (He's under the impression that my blog is just a place for me to complain or keep track of the cereal I ate for breakfast.) Hopefully I'll just have to point him to this blog, but I figure he should know about it all the same. 

Sigh. That's already enough prep work that I'm getting tired just thinking about all the thinking I'll have to do. (haha?) Which means I already need a simple-steps plan of action. So I'll start with outlining my 12 areas to work on, creating goals for each of them, designing my resolutions chart, creating my rules, and then informing the hubby. 

See, I'm already happier having a plan and a purpose! 

At a Loss for Words Already?

I'm at a loss for where to start a blog, as I imagine most people are. I feel I have important things to say (and I'm positive I have useless ideas that no one but myself will appreciate being written down), but my brain severely lacks order.
I've recently (well, for the past few months) been half-heartedly searching for happiness. I get into odd funks that only a really long nights rest with pleasant dreams can cure. I unfortunately don't always have the luxury of spending so much time on sleeping, and on top of that I always find myself a bit angry that I've wasted so much of my day with sleeping as soon as I wake up. This is a problem I intend to try to fix in several different ways over the course of the next.. well.. while. I haven't quite decided on a time frame or concrete plan of action, but I know that without somewhere to track what I've done, what I'm working on, and what goals I have for myself this would end up as another one of my "oh thats a great idea!"- then-forget-about-it-a-week-or-so-later schemes.
So welcome to cluelessivity, a blog where I will ramble my way through months of a personal happiness makeover.