To be or not to be

Going into my project tomorrow I feel I have a confidently confused sense of direction. I've been thinking (while cleaning) today and I think I've found the reason for my enigma. 
I know the goals I've set for myself. I know I've made a lot of them with the intent to help my marriage be better. I'm confident that my marriage is the most important part of my life.. but when I start to picture myself completing these goals something doesn't click. I'm doing them with a good intent and I know what I want the outcome to look like, so what's the problem?
I can't actually see myself doing many of them! I picture a perfect Mormon housewife who wants kids yesterday and loves cooking and cleaning up after her wonderful husband who just got home from his fulfilling, lucrative job. 
YA RIGHT.
That is not my life. (Sorry if I offended any Mormon housewives who live that life. I didn't intend for it to have a negative connotation!) It's just simply.. not the life I live. I struggle through being married and I'd rather go to school than stay home and learn a new way to cook pork for my meat-loving husband. 
So in order to tackle this project I've got to learn to embrace who I am, while also fighting with who I am. 


The trick will be understanding when I need to be myself, and when I need to let go of myself. 


For example.. I used to love running in the rain. When it starts pouring rain and I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, do I go outside and run in the rain for a minute (even though it will risk the chicken on the stove)? OR do I fight that desire and stay inside to have food for my husband. Honestly, I don't know what the correct answer would be. I know that when this has happened, an opportunity that presents itself often in my windward Oahu home, I've stayed inside.. thinking that I'm being selfless and choosing to make his meal over my few minutes of joy. He's not even aware that I made the choice, but when the rain stops I always end up with a little bit of resentment towards him, as if he held me back from being myself. 
I should've gone out in the rain. 
Another example.. when we argue and he says something that makes no sense, my first instinct is to correct him or tell him that it made no sense. What does that solve though? He just gets mad and I get more frustrated. So the answer is obvious, try to understand what he's saying in a patient way. 


So moral of the story. I'll be using myself to bring happiness, and I'll be losing myself to bring happiness. Which means that each day will begin with a prayer to help me discern when the right time for each arrives. 


"Also, what is happiness good for if we can't help others be happy too?
Either we go through life pretending to be someone we're not, or we embrace who we are (the good and the bad) and we love others for doing the same." -April M. 

Runners take your mark!

I'm getting down to the last couple days before my year of happiness-finding begins! So today I have my 12 areas to work on and my 10 rules.

Resolution Calendar
August: Perseverance
September: Marriage
October: Faith
November: Home
December: Learning
January: Attitude
February: Health
March: Service
April: Friendship
May: Hobbies
June: Mental Health
July: Happiness


The 10 Lost Commandments
1. Ask for Help.
2. Do it Now.
3. Smile at Everyone.
4. Its never too late to learn.
5. Anger and frustration are never the answer.
6. Identify the problem, spend the time to find the solution.
7. Remember Eternity.
8. One task, one step, one day at a time.
9. Lighten Up. 
10. Act the Way I want to Feel.

Marriage, friendship, attitude, and happiness of my resolutions list and numbers 2, 6, 9, and 10 of my "commandments" come from Gretchen. Many of my other resolution categories are also inspired by her book and the things she works on.
At the beginning of each month I'll post the resolutions that I will be working on that month. Which means that in just 2 days I'll be posting August's and starting to work towards making each day a little bit happier!
So now that I have my plan its time to make a resolutions chart. Gretchen set up a website happinessprojecttoolbox.com to help people like me who are trying to do this on their own. I already have my e-resolution chart set up for the month of August on her website, but I haven't decided if I will also have a concrete version as a visible reminder.

IN OTHER NEWS
I filled Sean in a little bit more yesterday on my plan for the next year. His first review of my resolution chart list was a "*pause*.. well this is great but I don't think it's really possible." (To keep up with it all that is.) Perhaps I should have started my perseverance resolutions a few days early? By the end of our conversation though he decided that he wanted to do one as well. I believe he wrote down his plan for 2 months so we'll see if he does anything past that. In any case I became even more aware of how difficult it's going to be to support myself through this. A year is a long time! It's so easy to give up, and  I'm worried about the hurdles I'll come across and whether or not I'll even want to try to jump them (let alone if I'll actually make it over.)
One day at a time, right?

Its also hard not to want to start everything at once. As I tried to prioritize my list and which resolution category would go with each month I realized that everything was important. Which is why my list may be rearranged according to what I find needs more help as I go.
I think I have the idea right now that I'm going to forget about my usual habits and daily activities and only focus on this project for the next year. Which I also know is unreasonable and that I will probably get discouraged when this isn't the case. The trick to keeping many resolutions, I think, will be incorporating them into my daily life so that throughout the year they become my normal habits.

Goal for Today:: CLEAN UP THE APARTMENT! I have no hope of starting this project with a messy home and finishing up my painting projects is taking forever. So today they'll be getting finished and I'll be getting rid of/selling the random things in our place that I never use.


"Some people will tell you to let a smile be your umbrella. But some days only the real thing will do. But the realest, plainest things can be filled with your favorite kind of wonder."
-Jim Howard "ON THE BRIGHT SIDE" 

Distractions

I get overwhelmed very easily. Clutter, mess, stacks of paper, dishes... you name it and my apartment's got it right now. (I'd take a picture but its bad enough to be embarrassing.) I began a revamp project to hopefully be finished before August 1st that includes de-cluttering, rearranging and upscaling some of my furniture. I like beginning new things with a new environment. I don't have a lot of room or funds to work with so its been cramped and is quickly becoming overwhelming. I started by selling our large desk to clear space in my "living room". It was a last minute decision but I sold it cheap within 20 minutes of posting it. That cleared up some space to rearrange my table, couch, tv and small desk. While doing this  I also began painting a bookshelf for a friend and the top of my desk. Since this started last Saturday I've had stacks of paintings, papers and board games lying around in need of a new home. I'm trying to finish my painting projects so I can free up space, but that means I don't have very much time to keep the kitchen, bathroom, or bedroom clean. I have my work cut out for me today.
Plan of attack: Grocery store & ACE (I'm totally out of soap, sponges, painting supplies, and our toothpaste is on its last couple uses.) --> paint first coat of bookshelf --> clean kitchen --> second coat of polyurethane on desk --> clean bedroom --> sort through stacks.. get rid of useless stuff, find a home for artwork, organize Sean's school stuff --> clean out storage shelf area (and then refill with stuff I actually need to store).. aaand somewhere in there I'll be making dinner for my husband. yay! I'm already tired just thinking about all of this, but I've got to start somewhere so I'm taking it one step at a time and trying to enjoy the process.

IN OTHER NEWS
I'm almost done with my monthly plans and rules to live by. I've already started applying some of my rules (because one of them is "do it now" so it would be counterproductive to wait to "do it now" later.)   I'm hoping I'll have them to post by the end of today as I'll have lots of thinking time today! Also I'm taking suggestions for good "work-around-the-house" music or pandora playlists.

"The air is just for you to breathe. Your heart is just for making music. Whatever happens today, you are all-the-way-alive."
-On the Bright Side by jim howard

A Plan and a Purpose

Before I begin my project I have to give credit where credit's due. My real inspiration for this process comes from a book by Gretchen Rubin called "The Happiness Project." I'm not going to attempt to recreate her project because, as she says, no one's will be the same. Everyone is working through their own very unique and personal trials, so no one would have the exact same goals as anyone else. What I will be using from her project is the process and design of it. Each month she focuses on an area of her life. As I mentioned in my first post, I haven't outlined what I'll be working on each month, but I am sure that I know where I will start. I have this awful habit of starting things, usually longterm goals/projects, and then getting bored of them or losing purpose. So in order to make sure that doesn't occur with this project I am starting with "Perseverance."
I have decided to start my project on August first. Starting in the middle of the year on anything having to do with new goals or habits is already a stretch for me. (I'm one of those people girls that always says "I'm starting my diet on Monday!" so naturally I hate the idea of starting a longterm project at any time of the year but January with my New Years resolutions.) That being said, starting in the middle of July would be too much to handle. So August first it is! That gives me about a week and a half of prepping and scheduling.
My prep work includes:

• making a "Resolutions Chart"  Like Gretchen, I love recognition for effort I put into things. I don't think I'll be counting on my husband to keep me on track with this project, so having a chart will allow me to reward myself with something as simple as a check mark next to completed tasks. Having a physical chart will also provide a visible reminder of what I'm supposed to be working on. 
• Decide on my 12 areas to work on Each month for a year I'll be focusing on one new part of my life. As the months progress I'll be adding each previous month's habits to the next months. (I'm bad at explaining things, so if this doesn't make sense it will in time.) 
• Create each month's goals I don't really like goals that start with "Be.." Like "be kinder, be more hard working, be an awesome wife, etc.." I don't feel like those are goals I can look at and know exactly what I'm working towards. Each month I will come up with about 5 concrete "action goals" that will help me to better the area of my life that I'm working on that month. These are the goals that will be tracked on the "Resolutions Chart" (with my gold stars and everything :] )
• Create Rules to Follow I fear this might be my hardest step. It's going to require some creative thinking and intense personal reflection. Gretchen used her rules to guide her actions throughout the project. I will post hers when I come up with mine (and maybe steal a few of hers as well.) 
• Get my Husband on board I've already said that I won't be relying on him for this project because if I did it would destroy part of the purpose. I'm doing this for me! Sound selfish right? Well.. not really. I'm starting to realize that if I want a happy, loving environment at home its up to me to create and maintain it. So before we begin to bring children into our home I want to be happy on my own, not relying on the way someone else treats me to decide my attitude. Getting Sean "on board" then, is really just bringing him up to speed. (He's under the impression that my blog is just a place for me to complain or keep track of the cereal I ate for breakfast.) Hopefully I'll just have to point him to this blog, but I figure he should know about it all the same. 

Sigh. That's already enough prep work that I'm getting tired just thinking about all the thinking I'll have to do. (haha?) Which means I already need a simple-steps plan of action. So I'll start with outlining my 12 areas to work on, creating goals for each of them, designing my resolutions chart, creating my rules, and then informing the hubby. 

See, I'm already happier having a plan and a purpose! 

At a Loss for Words Already?

I'm at a loss for where to start a blog, as I imagine most people are. I feel I have important things to say (and I'm positive I have useless ideas that no one but myself will appreciate being written down), but my brain severely lacks order.
I've recently (well, for the past few months) been half-heartedly searching for happiness. I get into odd funks that only a really long nights rest with pleasant dreams can cure. I unfortunately don't always have the luxury of spending so much time on sleeping, and on top of that I always find myself a bit angry that I've wasted so much of my day with sleeping as soon as I wake up. This is a problem I intend to try to fix in several different ways over the course of the next.. well.. while. I haven't quite decided on a time frame or concrete plan of action, but I know that without somewhere to track what I've done, what I'm working on, and what goals I have for myself this would end up as another one of my "oh thats a great idea!"- then-forget-about-it-a-week-or-so-later schemes.
So welcome to cluelessivity, a blog where I will ramble my way through months of a personal happiness makeover.