the Truth about Depression

Today's post is as much about marriage as it is about every other part of my life. Mostly, today is about happiness.
This topic is rather personal, and the only reason I'm inclined to share it is in case someone else is going through the same thing and could benefit from it.

Obviously from the title I'm posting today about depression.. clinical depression. Its something I have felt I've struggled with since high school. I don't know if my parents just didn't believe it was a real thing or if they were opposed to taking medicines for mental health issues.. but no matter the reason I never got the chance to go see someone about it. Don't get me wrong, I have really great memories from high school where I wasn't irritated and sulking around, thankfully I had friends who made me happy.
Thats something we're not supposed to say right? We're not supposed to have someone else making us happy, "happiness is a choice" "you don't get happiness from others, its something you give."
Its awesome if you believe those things because they're true for you, but I'm telling you that happiness was not my choice. That I would have been a very different person if I didn't have people making me happy because I couldn't be on my own.
I can't accurately describe what depression feels like to someone who hasn't experienced it. Its not just being unhappy... its knowing that you're unhappy, wanting happiness, but having no motivation to Do anything about it. I've spent days wasting time at home watching tv or on fb because even if the weather was perfect for the beach and I would love being there, it felt exhausting to have to get ready and go.. and what if the clouds came and it was all a waste anyways?

I know how it sounds.. and it sounds the way it is, depression is just negative. Its not a positive feeling in any way, and you can only imagine how this can affect a marriage. I find myself constantly irritated at the dumb things Sean says or does, no patience to let it slide or take the high road. In fact, I would be irritated even if he didn't do anything dumb at all! I get frustrated when writing papers because I can't focus on what I want to say. I feel tired ALL the time. I have no determination to face a trial with a good attitude. Depression feels like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket on you that weighs down your heart, body, and mind.
All of this has been really hard for Sean (which was in turn hard for me because I felt like he had no right to say that.) He believes happiness is a choice.. its one of the reasons I married him actually. He had the ability to make me happy. I don't know where it changed, but he wanted me to be stronger. He wanted me to be able to make the choices that would bring me happiness. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to do anything.

Well folks, a happy ending. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, went to the doc about it, and I've been taking a medicine for it for a couple weeks. I still have trials and stress from school, home, work, etc.. but I can handle it. I finally have the choice to "endure my trials well." Sean still says dumb things, but I am 10 times more patient and forgiving. More than that, what he says doesn't bring me down so much. It used to be that anything he said that even hinted at him not caring about me would send me into a tailspin of loneliness. No more! Life just seems.. more simple. If I have something to do, I do it. I don't fret alll day about the homework I have that night. I'm able to focus on where I am and enjoy that moment without constantly thinking about what is coming next.
Needless to say, I love it. I stopped caring about the stigma of having to take a drug for "mental illness". I don't care what people want to call depression.. its real and its hard, but there is no reason for people to spend their life struggling with it. I thought for awhile that not getting it treated would make me stronger because this is a temporary trial that I just have to endure well. I thought it made sense because I have really good days sometimes, so surely they weighed out the bad days. So dumb.. why have ANY days that are bad because of something that can be changed?

Hopefully this is the end of depression for me. If you're struggling with it or you think you may have clinical depression PLEASE talk to someone about it. There is no shame in suffering from something you cannot control, and there is definitely no shame in getting help for it.

Taking this step couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for my happiness project. (It has clearly boosted its success as well haha.) I have been able to focus on the real issues between Sean and I.. instead of getting hung up on the small ones.
I have to admit I stopped keeping track of my checklist everyday. It just seemed silly to be checking off that I successfully completed a day of "serving my husband" or "forgiving him quickly" if it was happening naturally (well, most days.) Without being hung up on my unhappiness I've been able to truly be with Sean during time we find for each other, instead of always worrying about the next task. I've been able to tell him simply "I'm annoyed at this right now" so that he knows to tread carefully. (Trust me, its been hard to do this.)

I apologize for the lack of insight this month about marriage. Its just.. working. My marriage wasn't exactly broken.. but aside from me taking medicine I can't put a finger on what has changed with both Sean and I in relation to our marriage. I feel closer to him and he has graciously showed me constantly how much I mean to him.
Was that there all along?