Soul searchin

As you may have noticed, my resolutions for this month are nothing spectacular. They're small things that small daily actions either achieve or forget. Which is why I have no spectacular news for you about how this project has changed my life... but I'm hopeful that the day will come that I will be able to say my life is changing.
So, as I've hinted before, my relationship with my husband is one of my "perseverance" hurdles. If we aren't doing well, I have a hard time doing well on a personal level. Part of this month is to be able to do well regardless of our disagreements, but I'm ever-aware of my breaking point. Too many arguments and I lose my capacity for hope (which would result in a quick end to this project.)

A new goal!
go 1 week without asking my husband to improve anything for me.

explanation:
I've discovered the secret to men!
Well.. fine I didn't discover it.. Some experts discovered it and I read about it in a book. They are motivated by their desire not to fail... like with everything and anything.
Sean gets very discouraged with himself when I ask for even a small thing to be different. Which is probably because I feel I need to correct every teeny tiny thing that I think should be different. I couldn't understand why it was sooo hard for me to just let it go! But I think I understand now why I do it. Its a well known fact that everyone is on their best behavior during dating, and its not until married life assumes a routine that we begin to see a not-so-perfectly-charming side to our spouses. I knew before I married Sean that it was right for us to get married, and I was excited about it because I was so in love and he made me so happy. As we've struggled through understanding each other and we have become more and more aware of each other's faults, our relationship has grown strained at best. The bottom line is, I've been afraid. All my life I've grown up making lists of the qualities my wonderful husband will have. They weren't bad things to hope for, but I built so many expectations for him! So as the months have gone by and I've tried to kill the expectations that weren't met, I've grown more and more afraid that I chose someone who wasn't right for me. Which is why when I get the opportunity to "teach" him how I would prefer him to act towards me, I can't let it go. I don't want him to think its ok. Guess what he's learned by me doing this, "it's never good enough." I feel so awful that I've turned our marriage into such a guessing game of "who will mess up next?"
Fact: It was absolutely the right choice for Sean and I to get married.
Fact: We both want a loving and happy relationship.
Fact: Nagging won't change a dang thing.

I know I'm getting a jump start to my marriage month, but if I don't I fear I won't get to month 2. It all connects anyways!