I've always thought that home should be a place of refuge. I haven't always felt that it is, but I've wanted it to be.
Law and Order: SVU has been my show of choice for allll my downtime this past week or two. I'm not totally sure why I like it so much because it scares me how psycho some people can be.. but one of the things that makes me the most sad about the show are the episodes in which a broken home has stolen innocence from a child or affected the outcome of a teens life forever. Home is supposed to be a safe haven, where children learn and grow and we can escape the pressures and nastiness of the world.
I didn't grow up in a "broken" home.. I wasn't necessarily happy there, but all things considered I was safe at home.
Even without children in my home now, I still want so badly to create a place of refuge for my husband and I. He's often telling me that he wants home to be a place to just relax, somewhere he looks forward to coming back to every day. Unfortunately he can't always get his wish because it involves not having to come home and clean up or do homework, but I've really been wondering how I could help make our home a place we can feel peace and safety.
Which is why this month I'm focusing on the HOME. ya ya... its already a week into December, but I've been caught up with Christmas stuff which means I've been accomplishing this goal anyways.
My solutions for creating a safe haven at home:
1. Simplify. I don't know how it happened.. but somehow we've accumulated so much junk since we moved into our apartment a year ago. Well.. a lot of things I can't just throw out.. its important stuff, but most of it is unnecessary to have anymore. Do we need 2 (and a half) sets of bed sheets when its just us 2 here? Do we need all the stuff I have crammed into the plastic drawers all over the place? Do we need the stacks of papers and books from classes we took a couple semesters ago? Probably not.. but ok you caught me, most of this stuff is mine.
2. Keep it clean. I've been testing this theory out for a little while.. the effect of a clean home on attitude. I've purposely left dishes in the sink and my school stuff all over when Sean and I go out to see how it feels when we come home. It feels monumentally more relaxing to walk into a clean home. I don't think I'll ever be able to keep up a spotless house, but I know it makes a huge difference to feel that your home is clean and decluttered.
So each night I (and hopefully Sean too) will be doing a nightly sweep of the apartment: picking up clothes, doing the dishes/putting them away, clearing surfaces and the floors. Waking up to a house of mess can be just as damaging to a feeling of relaxation as coming home to one.
I also have a new rule for myself, if it takes less than a minute to do something JUST DO IT.
3. Invite the Spirit. There is nothing as soothing or love-inducing as having the spirit, and my home could never hope to be a place of refuge without it. This means my choice of music will have to be something that invites it in (not hard with Christmas music all the time!) Also, I have one picture up of the Laie temple, but I should have more pictures of Christ and temples around our apartment to remind us of what is important. Nothing brings more importance to family than Christ's atonement and our ability to be with our families forever through the temple. My home cannot be a temple, but I'll do what I can to make it like one.
4. Sing at home. So much joy can spread through a home when an uplifting song rings through the rooms. Couple that with personal involvement in making it happen and the home will automatically feel much happier. (Note: if your singing would actually harm the peaceful feeling in the home.. just stick to playing nice music. :) )
Simple things right? I'm sure there's more that could be included here, any ideas?
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
the Truth about Depression
Today's post is as much about marriage as it is about every other part of my life. Mostly, today is about happiness.
This topic is rather personal, and the only reason I'm inclined to share it is in case someone else is going through the same thing and could benefit from it.
Obviously from the title I'm posting today about depression.. clinical depression. Its something I have felt I've struggled with since high school. I don't know if my parents just didn't believe it was a real thing or if they were opposed to taking medicines for mental health issues.. but no matter the reason I never got the chance to go see someone about it. Don't get me wrong, I have really great memories from high school where I wasn't irritated and sulking around, thankfully I had friends who made me happy.
Thats something we're not supposed to say right? We're not supposed to have someone else making us happy, "happiness is a choice" "you don't get happiness from others, its something you give."
Its awesome if you believe those things because they're true for you, but I'm telling you that happiness was not my choice. That I would have been a very different person if I didn't have people making me happy because I couldn't be on my own.
I can't accurately describe what depression feels like to someone who hasn't experienced it. Its not just being unhappy... its knowing that you're unhappy, wanting happiness, but having no motivation to Do anything about it. I've spent days wasting time at home watching tv or on fb because even if the weather was perfect for the beach and I would love being there, it felt exhausting to have to get ready and go.. and what if the clouds came and it was all a waste anyways?
I know how it sounds.. and it sounds the way it is, depression is just negative. Its not a positive feeling in any way, and you can only imagine how this can affect a marriage. I find myself constantly irritated at the dumb things Sean says or does, no patience to let it slide or take the high road. In fact, I would be irritated even if he didn't do anything dumb at all! I get frustrated when writing papers because I can't focus on what I want to say. I feel tired ALL the time. I have no determination to face a trial with a good attitude. Depression feels like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket on you that weighs down your heart, body, and mind.
All of this has been really hard for Sean (which was in turn hard for me because I felt like he had no right to say that.) He believes happiness is a choice.. its one of the reasons I married him actually. He had the ability to make me happy. I don't know where it changed, but he wanted me to be stronger. He wanted me to be able to make the choices that would bring me happiness. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to do anything.
Well folks, a happy ending. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, went to the doc about it, and I've been taking a medicine for it for a couple weeks. I still have trials and stress from school, home, work, etc.. but I can handle it. I finally have the choice to "endure my trials well." Sean still says dumb things, but I am 10 times more patient and forgiving. More than that, what he says doesn't bring me down so much. It used to be that anything he said that even hinted at him not caring about me would send me into a tailspin of loneliness. No more! Life just seems.. more simple. If I have something to do, I do it. I don't fret alll day about the homework I have that night. I'm able to focus on where I am and enjoy that moment without constantly thinking about what is coming next.
Needless to say, I love it. I stopped caring about the stigma of having to take a drug for "mental illness". I don't care what people want to call depression.. its real and its hard, but there is no reason for people to spend their life struggling with it. I thought for awhile that not getting it treated would make me stronger because this is a temporary trial that I just have to endure well. I thought it made sense because I have really good days sometimes, so surely they weighed out the bad days. So dumb.. why have ANY days that are bad because of something that can be changed?
Hopefully this is the end of depression for me. If you're struggling with it or you think you may have clinical depression PLEASE talk to someone about it. There is no shame in suffering from something you cannot control, and there is definitely no shame in getting help for it.
Taking this step couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for my happiness project. (It has clearly boosted its success as well haha.) I have been able to focus on the real issues between Sean and I.. instead of getting hung up on the small ones.
I have to admit I stopped keeping track of my checklist everyday. It just seemed silly to be checking off that I successfully completed a day of "serving my husband" or "forgiving him quickly" if it was happening naturally (well, most days.) Without being hung up on my unhappiness I've been able to truly be with Sean during time we find for each other, instead of always worrying about the next task. I've been able to tell him simply "I'm annoyed at this right now" so that he knows to tread carefully. (Trust me, its been hard to do this.)
I apologize for the lack of insight this month about marriage. Its just.. working. My marriage wasn't exactly broken.. but aside from me taking medicine I can't put a finger on what has changed with both Sean and I in relation to our marriage. I feel closer to him and he has graciously showed me constantly how much I mean to him.
Was that there all along?
This topic is rather personal, and the only reason I'm inclined to share it is in case someone else is going through the same thing and could benefit from it.
Obviously from the title I'm posting today about depression.. clinical depression. Its something I have felt I've struggled with since high school. I don't know if my parents just didn't believe it was a real thing or if they were opposed to taking medicines for mental health issues.. but no matter the reason I never got the chance to go see someone about it. Don't get me wrong, I have really great memories from high school where I wasn't irritated and sulking around, thankfully I had friends who made me happy.
Thats something we're not supposed to say right? We're not supposed to have someone else making us happy, "happiness is a choice" "you don't get happiness from others, its something you give."
Its awesome if you believe those things because they're true for you, but I'm telling you that happiness was not my choice. That I would have been a very different person if I didn't have people making me happy because I couldn't be on my own.
I can't accurately describe what depression feels like to someone who hasn't experienced it. Its not just being unhappy... its knowing that you're unhappy, wanting happiness, but having no motivation to Do anything about it. I've spent days wasting time at home watching tv or on fb because even if the weather was perfect for the beach and I would love being there, it felt exhausting to have to get ready and go.. and what if the clouds came and it was all a waste anyways?
I know how it sounds.. and it sounds the way it is, depression is just negative. Its not a positive feeling in any way, and you can only imagine how this can affect a marriage. I find myself constantly irritated at the dumb things Sean says or does, no patience to let it slide or take the high road. In fact, I would be irritated even if he didn't do anything dumb at all! I get frustrated when writing papers because I can't focus on what I want to say. I feel tired ALL the time. I have no determination to face a trial with a good attitude. Depression feels like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket on you that weighs down your heart, body, and mind.
All of this has been really hard for Sean (which was in turn hard for me because I felt like he had no right to say that.) He believes happiness is a choice.. its one of the reasons I married him actually. He had the ability to make me happy. I don't know where it changed, but he wanted me to be stronger. He wanted me to be able to make the choices that would bring me happiness. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to do anything.
Well folks, a happy ending. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, went to the doc about it, and I've been taking a medicine for it for a couple weeks. I still have trials and stress from school, home, work, etc.. but I can handle it. I finally have the choice to "endure my trials well." Sean still says dumb things, but I am 10 times more patient and forgiving. More than that, what he says doesn't bring me down so much. It used to be that anything he said that even hinted at him not caring about me would send me into a tailspin of loneliness. No more! Life just seems.. more simple. If I have something to do, I do it. I don't fret alll day about the homework I have that night. I'm able to focus on where I am and enjoy that moment without constantly thinking about what is coming next.
Needless to say, I love it. I stopped caring about the stigma of having to take a drug for "mental illness". I don't care what people want to call depression.. its real and its hard, but there is no reason for people to spend their life struggling with it. I thought for awhile that not getting it treated would make me stronger because this is a temporary trial that I just have to endure well. I thought it made sense because I have really good days sometimes, so surely they weighed out the bad days. So dumb.. why have ANY days that are bad because of something that can be changed?
Hopefully this is the end of depression for me. If you're struggling with it or you think you may have clinical depression PLEASE talk to someone about it. There is no shame in suffering from something you cannot control, and there is definitely no shame in getting help for it.
Taking this step couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for my happiness project. (It has clearly boosted its success as well haha.) I have been able to focus on the real issues between Sean and I.. instead of getting hung up on the small ones.
I have to admit I stopped keeping track of my checklist everyday. It just seemed silly to be checking off that I successfully completed a day of "serving my husband" or "forgiving him quickly" if it was happening naturally (well, most days.) Without being hung up on my unhappiness I've been able to truly be with Sean during time we find for each other, instead of always worrying about the next task. I've been able to tell him simply "I'm annoyed at this right now" so that he knows to tread carefully. (Trust me, its been hard to do this.)
I apologize for the lack of insight this month about marriage. Its just.. working. My marriage wasn't exactly broken.. but aside from me taking medicine I can't put a finger on what has changed with both Sean and I in relation to our marriage. I feel closer to him and he has graciously showed me constantly how much I mean to him.
Was that there all along?