Raw

Today is my 3rd anniversary.

Or it would be if I wasn't getting a divorce instead.


I've gone back and forth about if or how I should write about whats going on in my life. The underlying motivation killer is that in general, no one really seems to care or be surprised about it.
Which kind of hurts, but I'm not entirely surprised by that.. I've been distanced from a lot of people for a few years.

Perhaps I should start with a disclaimer: In no way am I looking for pity or even sympathy. If nothing else I need a way to put my story out there, and, like anything else I've ever written, I'm doing it just in case someone might benefit from my experience.

As divorces go, mine has been comparatively "easy."

For the most part we agreed on the paperwork before it was signed, so there's no need for a trial.

As so many have pointed out, we don't have kids! So, yay for us for never procreating because that makes this process so much easier.

We both have family in the area to fall back on, more or less, until we get our new lives sorted out.

It was "only 3 years" and I'm still "young and attractive" so I'll have no problem "finding someone else".

We don't own any real property together. 

I never even changed my name. 

And ya know, on top of all of that I seem happier! 

Well.. maybe I am, but its not that simple. 

Then again, its not that complicated either.

I fell in love and got married.

We both brought expectations to the table.

I struggled to find the emotional connection I needed with him.

I continued to struggle until
I broke

I am grateful my divorce is less messy than most, but lest anyone think that divorce can be all rainbows and butterflies if its the right choice, its just not.

We may never have had the relationship I needed, but I'm still heartbroken about letting go of the future I looked forward to for us. 

We used to talk about our kids, imagining our family together.

He showed a rare tenderness when I was sick - taking care of and supporting me. 

I felt physically protected with him. There's an insatiable loneliness that comes with going to sleep alone after so many years with someone else to hold. 

I've lost half of my family, just like that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this process may be different for everyone, but regardless of that there is always real hurt and suffering. 

And I don't know how it is for others, but for some reason hearing all of the ways my divorce is "easier" than others doesn't exactly "heal whats hurt" or whatever.

I don't have some new, clever spin on marriage and divorce, but I have put a lot of thought into my "list" as I think about my future in the dating world -this has been inspired by my tentative single friends who I'm sure ultimately want to know if there's something I could've seen before I got married that could predict this outcome-

A. No, if I could've predicted this outcome I wouldn't have gotten married. However, I do wish there was counsel I had listened to with a little more weight before tying the knot

B. I don't believe its possible to "call it." No matter what anyone says, the statistics don't matter when it comes down to 2 people trying to make a marriage work. Both people are accountable for their choices and both have the ability to impact the direction a marriage takes.

C. Figure out what it is you need before saying "yes". You may have plenty of wants on your list, but when it comes down to the sleepless nights and nasty arguments, your needs are the things that you'll keep coming back to.

So my list is actually very short now.
1. Must love God more than anything else.
2. Must have humility.
3. Must  be willing to provide for my needs.

There's a lot in my mind that is encompassed by these 3 things. "Signs," if you will, that Mr Right meets the requirements.
I won't get into those because I think they're lessons learned from a lot of personal experiences, but in general here's why this has become my recipe for success or whatever you want to call it.

Loving God above all else comes with an inherent Christlike love for his children. I need someone who strives to see me as Christ does - with complete love despite my imperfections.
..but of course any two people will always find something to disagree about, and those disagreements become full of anger, defensiveness and fear if both people aren't willing to be humble. I genuinely believe any (non abusive) marriage can make it if both people have humility - its the necessary catalyst for resolution and change.
I cut down a lot wants throughout my marriage. Like.. pretty much everything I started with. In the end it came down to my need for emotional connection. I can be independent and take care of myself, but if I'm married to someone I need them to care about taking care of me. I'm a tad bit more fragile then I originally believed, so insensitivity took its toll on my self worth. I'm not bitter about whats happened, but I know I won't make that mistake the second time around.

At the end of the day, I'm sad (a word I've chosen to avoid sounding dramatic) for the loss of something that was intended to last beyond this life.. but surprisingly to me I don't feel the least bit cynical about marriage. I believe it can be a beautiful thing and a source of real happiness,
and I'm excited to find that for myself.