Happy New Year!
Celebrating the holidays this year was a little strange. I'm back to celebrating "alone."
I don't mean to discredit my family and friends, in that regard I am still blessed with company. No, I'm just single again.
The transition back to single-for-the-holidays has sparked a new trend of constant introspection.
"What do I want to do different this time?"
"How do I go about learning to be alone without being lonely?"
"Who am I anyways?"
"Why do I feel like something more than just a companion is missing?"
I realized that something very important, and very cliche, has changed my heart. In short, I don't have it all anymore.
How many songs and movies reference someone "stealing my heart," "leaving a piece of my heart with so-and-so," "you have my heart," etc.. Its cliche, yes, but despite its frequent occurrence in romance stories I don't think I believed it was a real thing until now. Unfortunately I can now say that yes, it is real. I left a piece of myself, of my heart, with my marriage. It was the piece of me that envisioned little half white/ half poly babies running around, a cute cottage house we'd raise our children in, growing old together... Its a piece of me that would always weigh me down if I continued to carry it. So I had to leave it behind.
There's a piece of my heart that was broken and bruised. (Another cliche for you.) On New Years day I let go of the pain and anger I carried. I let that hardened piece of my heart stay in 2014. That was the piece that hated seeing every movie close with a happy ending... That didn't believe romance could actually be made of pure, selfless, love. I still don't do well with chick flicks, but really its because I want what they have... not because I don't believe it can happen. I'm trying to let all the broken pieces of my heart stay in the past so I can heal without the part of me thats turned cynical and pessimistic.
I'm leaving behind the pieces of me that belonged to people who didn't care to protect them. I put blind trust in new "friends," thinking that just because I cared for them and the relationship we had it would mean they cared about me too. It was the piece of me that measured my worth based on how much others wanted my friendship. It's taught me a few things. Mainly, that my worth does not lie in the carelessness of others. Also, that sometimes people use you, that their immaturity will tell them its ok to mess around with people's feelings. Yeah.. they can keep the pieces of me I offered them.
So now I'm in 2015, missing a little bit of myself. However, I kept the pieces made of hope. Hope on its own heals the heart where things used to be. It tells me to keep making choices, keep loving, keep trusting. I have hope that real love exists. I have hope that I'll keep finding people who understand my worth.
Hope is the theme of 2015. I'm creating a new vision for my life, and every day the choices I make will be made with hope: hope that that choice will take me to where I want to be.
I'm stronger without the broken pieces of myself holding me back with resentment and hurt. I've learned some things the hard way, but I've learned. I have places to go, things to see, and people to love. I'm leaving behind everything that says otherwise.
