The Pieces I left Behind

Happy New Year!

Celebrating the holidays this year was a little strange. I'm back to celebrating "alone."
I don't mean to discredit my family and friends, in that regard I am still blessed with company. No, I'm just single again.
The transition back to single-for-the-holidays has sparked a new trend of constant introspection.
"What do I want to do different this time?"
"How do I go about learning to be alone without being lonely?"
"Who am I anyways?"
"Why do I feel like something more than just a companion is missing?"

I realized that something very important, and very cliche, has changed my heart. In short, I don't have it all anymore.

How many songs and movies reference someone "stealing my heart," "leaving a piece of my heart with so-and-so," "you have my heart," etc.. Its cliche, yes, but despite its frequent occurrence in romance stories I don't think I believed it was a real thing until now. Unfortunately I can now say that yes, it is real. I left a piece of myself, of my heart, with my marriage. It was the piece of me that envisioned little half white/ half poly babies running around, a cute cottage house we'd raise our children in, growing old together... Its a piece of me that would always weigh me down if I continued to carry it. So I had to leave it behind.

There's a piece of my heart that was broken and bruised. (Another cliche for you.) On New Years day I let go of the pain and anger I carried. I let that hardened piece of my heart stay in 2014. That was the piece that hated seeing every movie close with a happy ending... That didn't believe romance could actually be made of pure, selfless, love. I still don't do well with chick flicks, but really its because I want what they have... not because I don't believe it can happen. I'm trying to let all the broken pieces of my heart stay in the past so I can heal without the part of me thats turned cynical and pessimistic.

I'm leaving behind the pieces of me that belonged to people who didn't care to protect them. I put blind trust in new "friends," thinking that just because I cared for them and the relationship we had it would mean they cared about me too. It was the piece of me that measured my worth based on how much others wanted my friendship. It's taught me a few things. Mainly, that my worth does not lie in the carelessness of others. Also, that sometimes people use you, that their immaturity will tell them its ok to mess around with people's feelings. Yeah.. they can keep the pieces of me I offered them.

So now I'm in 2015, missing a little bit of myself. However, I kept the pieces made of hope. Hope on its own heals the heart where things used to be. It tells me to keep making choices, keep loving, keep trusting. I have hope that real love exists. I have hope that I'll keep finding people who understand my worth.
Hope is the theme of 2015. I'm creating a new vision for my life, and every day the choices I make will be made with hope: hope that that choice will take me to where I want to be.
I'm stronger without the broken pieces of myself holding me back with resentment and hurt. I've learned some things the hard way, but I've learned. I have places to go, things to see, and people to love. I'm leaving behind everything that says otherwise.

Raw

Today is my 3rd anniversary.

Or it would be if I wasn't getting a divorce instead.


I've gone back and forth about if or how I should write about whats going on in my life. The underlying motivation killer is that in general, no one really seems to care or be surprised about it.
Which kind of hurts, but I'm not entirely surprised by that.. I've been distanced from a lot of people for a few years.

Perhaps I should start with a disclaimer: In no way am I looking for pity or even sympathy. If nothing else I need a way to put my story out there, and, like anything else I've ever written, I'm doing it just in case someone might benefit from my experience.

As divorces go, mine has been comparatively "easy."

For the most part we agreed on the paperwork before it was signed, so there's no need for a trial.

As so many have pointed out, we don't have kids! So, yay for us for never procreating because that makes this process so much easier.

We both have family in the area to fall back on, more or less, until we get our new lives sorted out.

It was "only 3 years" and I'm still "young and attractive" so I'll have no problem "finding someone else".

We don't own any real property together. 

I never even changed my name. 

And ya know, on top of all of that I seem happier! 

Well.. maybe I am, but its not that simple. 

Then again, its not that complicated either.

I fell in love and got married.

We both brought expectations to the table.

I struggled to find the emotional connection I needed with him.

I continued to struggle until
I broke

I am grateful my divorce is less messy than most, but lest anyone think that divorce can be all rainbows and butterflies if its the right choice, its just not.

We may never have had the relationship I needed, but I'm still heartbroken about letting go of the future I looked forward to for us. 

We used to talk about our kids, imagining our family together.

He showed a rare tenderness when I was sick - taking care of and supporting me. 

I felt physically protected with him. There's an insatiable loneliness that comes with going to sleep alone after so many years with someone else to hold. 

I've lost half of my family, just like that. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this process may be different for everyone, but regardless of that there is always real hurt and suffering. 

And I don't know how it is for others, but for some reason hearing all of the ways my divorce is "easier" than others doesn't exactly "heal whats hurt" or whatever.

I don't have some new, clever spin on marriage and divorce, but I have put a lot of thought into my "list" as I think about my future in the dating world -this has been inspired by my tentative single friends who I'm sure ultimately want to know if there's something I could've seen before I got married that could predict this outcome-

A. No, if I could've predicted this outcome I wouldn't have gotten married. However, I do wish there was counsel I had listened to with a little more weight before tying the knot

B. I don't believe its possible to "call it." No matter what anyone says, the statistics don't matter when it comes down to 2 people trying to make a marriage work. Both people are accountable for their choices and both have the ability to impact the direction a marriage takes.

C. Figure out what it is you need before saying "yes". You may have plenty of wants on your list, but when it comes down to the sleepless nights and nasty arguments, your needs are the things that you'll keep coming back to.

So my list is actually very short now.
1. Must love God more than anything else.
2. Must have humility.
3. Must  be willing to provide for my needs.

There's a lot in my mind that is encompassed by these 3 things. "Signs," if you will, that Mr Right meets the requirements.
I won't get into those because I think they're lessons learned from a lot of personal experiences, but in general here's why this has become my recipe for success or whatever you want to call it.

Loving God above all else comes with an inherent Christlike love for his children. I need someone who strives to see me as Christ does - with complete love despite my imperfections.
..but of course any two people will always find something to disagree about, and those disagreements become full of anger, defensiveness and fear if both people aren't willing to be humble. I genuinely believe any (non abusive) marriage can make it if both people have humility - its the necessary catalyst for resolution and change.
I cut down a lot wants throughout my marriage. Like.. pretty much everything I started with. In the end it came down to my need for emotional connection. I can be independent and take care of myself, but if I'm married to someone I need them to care about taking care of me. I'm a tad bit more fragile then I originally believed, so insensitivity took its toll on my self worth. I'm not bitter about whats happened, but I know I won't make that mistake the second time around.

At the end of the day, I'm sad (a word I've chosen to avoid sounding dramatic) for the loss of something that was intended to last beyond this life.. but surprisingly to me I don't feel the least bit cynical about marriage. I believe it can be a beautiful thing and a source of real happiness,
and I'm excited to find that for myself.

Depression at its Finest

Our bodies are constantly making sure we're stable. Each system and organ responding to one another, acting and reacting so that everything remains functional.

I've realized that the mind has its own methods of maintaining homeostasis so that it too can keep functioning at a stable level.

I've been gone awhile (in a synthetic kind of way through my absence from the blogosphere and in a very real mental kind of way) ..Its been a few months of feeling guilty every time my phone reminds me "blog post today!" I don't know why I didn't just take the reminder off... It felt awful realizing I had nothing to say. I had a lot of thoughts, but none I felt were worth the effort of putting into words. To make a long dramatic story short: I stopped taking my meds.

I think I was trying to convince myself that I was strong enough now to handle the waves of depression that would come. Or maybe I didn't really believe they would come. I felt good, my mind felt clear... I was ready to prove that I no longer had my illness.

Well, someone let every anti-depressant drug company know that I will be the front runner for their marketing campaign. It took a couple months for it to get bad enough that I was scared into going back to the doc. And I mean holy-sh**-this-is-destroying-my-husband-and-my-marriage bad.

As usual however, I've come out of this particularly nasty bout of depression with a hint of what you might call insight.

I believe people in general either try to avoid feeling uncomfortable, or when made uncomfortable in any kind of way try to remedy the situation by fleeing the scene, an awkward laugh or trying to focus everyone's attention elsewhere. I also believe that depressed people do this to a ridiculous extent. With a depressed mind, you're constantly (and most likely unconsciously) focused on your own mental stability. Overload it with stress of any kind and just like that it shuts down and all the sudden you're sleeping away all your afternoons, calling in sick to work and only eating what doesn't require preparation of any kind.

Everyone has a trigger that could lead to depression. For many people it requires a great deal to fall into a depressive state. For those of us with clinical depression, its always there and pretty much anything could be a trigger to maximize its effects. For my poor husband, all he had to do was ask me to do the dishes at the wrong moment and my mind would spiral into a black hole and suck away any positive energy I might've had.

It of course has nothing to do with the dishes, and for the record I'm totally fine doing the dishes... its just that the trigger throws my mind off. Its like I'm always trying to prepare myself to handle whats coming next, not really caring about the future but always planning for it. If I didn't, my mind would freak out trying to handle all the unexpected things it was being asked to do. And because I always had a plan for what would come next, any small or large change in that plan would wreck my mental homeostasis.

For some reason I'm reminded of a Spongebob episode from years ago where his brain starts setting itself on fire...

Yep it feels just like that.

So if I've planned a date or dinner and my husband comes home and expresses any opinion other than "Yes dear, good plan, you're awesome" --> brain fire.

If I go to work expecting to watch my favorite TV show, answer some phone calls, shoot some emails, and ultimately plan out where my time will be spent, but then someone comes to work at an unexpected time or a new project is starting --> fire!

If I've pictured myself as a hardworking, dinner-preparing, let-me-scrub-this-floor-until-it-shines kind of wife and homemaker.. and then find myself dragging my feet in the door after work and taking naps every afternoon --> brain fire... with constant hot coals under the surface that take care of simmering away hope and optimism. (poetic huh?)


 From the outside its all completely selfish and irrational. From the inside its really just an exhausted brain trying to function.

The relief for me has set in with a new medication throwing water buckets on my brain. I'm getting things done and I'm not so horrible to my husband. Overall I just care. My mind's a lot happier with this arrangement as well, it doesn't have to plan so much. :)

Never a Weakness

I've been thinking a lot about the traits that I have and how they help or hinder me. One in particular that I'm "proud" to have developed (I guess pride is one I should try to get rid of..) is empathy. At BYU  Hawaii I studied International Cultural Studies with an Anthropology emphasis. One of the things I had to study and write papers on was the attribute and depth of empathy and how much we as a people need it. I came to understand it on a fundamental level, but also on a spiritual level. The very definition of what I believe, from a religious stance, is "empathy." There is no other word that sums up having a love for people, one that allows a connection with what they feel and a tender concern for their situation and eternal well-being.

As beautiful as true empathy can be in practice, I've been met with conflicting views on putting it into practice. Its like I'm being told to feel it but don't do it. Which is so silly to me that I feel its worth writing about, because having a concern for the well-being of others is pivotal to my happiness.

Serving others in any situation provides a glimpse at empathetic love.
"If you want to love someone, serve that person."
-Elder Vaughn J Featherstone.

I have worked in customer service for the last 2 years. 1 year was as a tour guide at the PCC, a few months was a waitress in Provo, and now I work as a customer service agent at the corporate office for a jewelry company. While being a guide was an extremely unique type of service each day I worked, it taught me to love everyone and go above and beyond to make their day. Even now, answering phones and emails to help people with their businesses I use this principle. Everyone deserves a break now and then. I want to make sure that when they speak with me its a break from a crappy day or a break from the less-than-sub-par-customer service they are used to with other companies.
Now, I don't get paid extra for "going to the extra mile", if you will, for those I speak with. Sometimes those people are even overly rude, entitled, or needy. I do it though, because I know love for others is so important.

I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. I'm setting the stage for "feedback" I have had about my desire to show empathy to others.
Two influential people in my life, we will call them Joe and Bill, have had a fair amount to say about empathy.

Exhibit A.) Joe told me "You are letting people walk all over you. They are using you. People are not going to appreciate that you are doing so much unseen, extra work for them, but they will keep asking you to do it. And then they will ask you to do more and more, and what are you getting from it? Nothing. Not a pay raise, not respect, just a "thanks for doing your job", now do more since you're doing so well with what you have already."

In a way Joe's right, I don't get recognition, praise, etc for what I do. And sometimes people take advantage of a listening ear or a helpful attitude. That' totally unfortunate, but I can't control what they choose to do with the love and care I give them. At the end of the day, I'm accountable for how I treat people, not how they treat me in response.

Exhibit B.) Bill "Empathy might be your greatest strength as a customer service rep, but its also your greatest weakness."

A weakness? When I was told this I understood where he was coming from... People call me and tell me the trouble they're having and I feel for them. I pass it along, and sometimes if I feel passionately about it it can become a whole ordeal because I don't have a right to imagine my opinions count when running a business. It was like I was being told that people could influence me to do anything, to feel the way they feel because I have "too much empathy." I have the spine to stand up for them, but not against them. The reality is though, that my empathy allows me to help others feel good again about what they're doing. It gives them an ally when things aren't working out the way they were told it would. Sometimes, if their opinions back ones that I already have I will pass it on.. making me "impressionable"... "weak."

I've decided something though. Empathy is not a weakness. It is never a weakness. It is my greatest strength, especially when looking for real and lasting happiness. I believe the world could use more of it, and I'm not going to take it away from those who need it just because it doesn't suit some people to see me be "taken advantage of" or "convinced" one way or another.

It reminds me of a quote by Zoey Deschanel.. (a totally worthy role model if you ask me)

I deserve to feel confident in myself, to feel that my strengths are strengths. Throughout this journey of mine I refuse to let people make me feel bad about allowing myself to feel. I refuse to run away from feeling things deeply, or from caring for others without being able to control what they'll do in response. 

My heart is my greatest asset. 

Empathy is the greatest truth.

Happiness according to me

I gotta tell ya, its exhausting setting this project up. You have to think and think and think, and then think some more. Happiness can be so simple, and yet so abstract sometimes it seems unattainable. I have finally come up with my project outline though! And I'm excited to get this thing going! 

I plan to approach this project a little differently than my last one. Last time I really wanted to start goals/habits from month 3 or 6 or whatever, but didn't because I wanted to wait until that month to add those to my list. This time, if I'm excited to start something new in whatever category it might fall, I'm going to just do it. I won't track it daily until that month comes, but I don't want to hold out on something that could help me just for the sake of the project's organization. Plus by that time I'll have more insight about it (hopefully). 

I'm also in the process of drawing out my chart. In the beginning of my last project I made charts for myself each month, but they were set up weird so it was hard to keep up with. I've got a better layout this time, and I'll put up that picture soon.

Welp, here it is! 

1. Faith: FIND MY PURPOSE

• Keep an open conversation with God.
• Bring the Spirit somehow to every day.
• Temple Tuesdays
• Study eternity to understand reality.

2. Attitude: SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE

• Find something every day to be excited about.
• Daily gratitude journal.
• Build self-confidence.
• Act the way I want to feel.

3. Marriage: ITS NOT FOR ME

• Get used to each other.
• Remember my promises.
• Show I care in ways he'll understand.
• Make time for play.

4. Home: CREATE A REFUGE

• Organize and toss.
• Bring in beauty.
• Invite a spirit of peace.
• Go to bed with a clean house.

5. Family: RECOGNIZE ETERNAL JOY

• Reach out.
• Stay Connected.
• Find Occasions to come together.

6. Hobbies: FIND JOY IN THE JOURNEY

• Complete 1 DIY project a week and blog it.
• Learn web coding and design a blog template.
• Find and enroll in Photography lessons.
• Quit wasting time with dumb entertainment.

7. Work: BUSY HANDS= LIGHT WORK

• Make the most of my time.
• Set daily, weekly, and longterm goals.
• Do what's right.
• Find a purpose in what I do.

8. Service: PUT OTHERS FIRST.

• Do something for someone every day.
• Donate to charity every month.
• Take a moment to think inward, address my needs.
• Address and fill my husband's needs.

9. Security: TRUST IN MYSELF, GOD, AND OTHERS

• Reexamine the budget.
• Spend smart.
• Trust in commitments. 
• Have a day away each month with Sean.
• Letters of commitment.

10. Health: PUT GOOD IN, GET GOOD OUT

• Gym 3x's a week.
• Take care of my mental health.
• Let go of regret and resentment.
• Go to sleep earlier.

11. Social: LOVE ONE ANOTHER

• FB only 1 hour a week.
• Make or join a club.
• Do something I enjoy with someone.
• People watch.

12. HAPPINESS.

The General Project Outline

I highly recommend reading Gretchen Rubin's book called "The Happiness Project". Its motivating and insightful, and its the original. :)

However if you want a shortcut to creating your own project, I outlined how she got started. These are the steps I've followed to set up my own project. It might seem daunting at first to start your own, but breaking down into these steps and thinking about it a little at a time actually isn't so bad.

1. Really think about what makes you happy. What makes you unhappy?
1. This is happiness on a daily level, ask yourself questions like
1.  "I feel happy/unhappy when I come home and see ______."
2. "I feel happy/unhappy at work when ________"
3. "I hate when________"
4. "I love to ______"
5. "I look forward to __________"
6. "I dread _______"
7. "I feel stress free when I ______"
8. "_____ always picks me up when I feel down."
    
Every little thing can build up and influence happiness one way or another.

2. Identify your areas to work on.
1. Use the insight about what brings you happiness and what takes it away to find your areas to work on each month. These are general
   categories of your life that influence your happiness the most.
3. Come up with concrete happiness-boosting resolutions.
1. Take what you've identified as your happiness-boosters and downers
   and turn them into actions that will either bring more constant
   happiness, or eliminate some stress, worry, anger, or frustration.
   Try to have about 4 for each category.
2. These are measurable actions. You want to be able to track your
   progress.
    
4. Create a chart of some sort.
1. Tracking progress is ideal for a project like this.
1. Rewarding yourself in a small way for achieving your goals
    brings happiness.
2. Having something to look at helps you to remember what
    you are trying to do each day and holds you accountable
    for where you're lacking

Good luck! Please let me know if you have any questions or would like clarification on something!


Here is the breakdown of Gretchen Rubin's project. It doesn't go into detail on what each resolution means to her, but most of it is self explanatory and you get the idea of how to set up the project.

 

1. Vitality: BOOST ENERGY
1. Go to sleep earlier
2. Exercise better
3. Toss, restore, organize
4. Tackle a nagging task
5. Act more energetic
2. Marriage: REMEMBER LOVE
1. Quit nagging
2. Don't expect praise/appreciation
3. Fight right
4. No dumping
5. Give proofs of love
3. Work: AIM HIGHER
1. Launch a blog
2. Enjoy fun of failure
3. Ask for help
4. Work smart
5. Enjoy now
4. Parenthood: LIGHTEN UP
1. Sing in the morning
2. Acknowledge the reality of people's feelings
3. Be a treasure house of happy memories
4. Take time for projects
5. Leisure: BE SERIOUS ABOUT PLAY
1. Find more fun
2. Take time to be silly
3. Go off the path
4. Start a collection
6. Friendship: MAKE TIME FOR FRIENDS
1. Remember birthdays
2. Be generous
3. Show up
4. Don't gossip
5. Make 3 new friends
7. Money: BUY SOME HAPPINESS
1. Indulge in a modest splurge
2. Buy needful things
3. Spend out
4. Give something up
8. Eternity: CONTEMPLATE THE HEAVENS
1. Read memoirs of catastrophe
2. Keep gratitude notebook
3. Imitate a spiritual master
9. Books: PURSUE A PASSION
1. Write a novel
2. Make time
3. Forget about results
4. Master a new technology
10. Mindfulness: PAY ATTENTION
1. Meditate on koans
2. Examine true rules
3. Stimulate the mind in new ways
4. Keep a food diary
11. Attitude: KEEP A CONTENTED HEART
1. Laugh out loud
2. Use good manners
3. Give positive reviews
4. Find an area of refuge
12. HAPPINESS

Happiness after Depression

at·ti·tude

noun

1. 1.

   a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.

Let me start by saying that for me, and many others, there will most likely never be a real "after depression" part of my life. I will probably be handling it my whole life. 

That being said, either before medication or with it, I have always HATED it when people tell me that happiness is a choice. 

Maybe its because for so long it hasn't been a choice for me. Depression doesn't leave much room for choosing emotion, and the people with the happy-go-lucky-attitudes just didn't get that. 

But even with my depression mostly under control, I was surprised to find that I'm still extremely agitated at the "happiness is a choice" mentality. It might just be that years of knowing that it wasn't like that for me conditioned me to dismiss it altogether, but no matter the reason, I've come face to face with a simple (annoying) truth: I have to change my attitude. I settled into the comfortable fact that I was a "slave" to the chemical imbalance I faced everyday, but now that I've been taking medicine to counteract that, happiness might really be a daily choice for me. 

WEIRD. I have no idea how to handle it or where to start. Its daunting to think about all the behaviors I have to change now. Even if it was depression that kept me "lazy" in bed most afternoons, annoyed at small things, or struggling with self confidence, they were still behaviors I got used to. Still a lifestyle I got used to. Now the so-called cloud has lifted and I still want to go to bed after work and feel bad about myself.

Let me rephrase that, I don't want to be lazy or have low self-esteem or any of that, but I still find myself slipping into that role because I got so used to it! I'm exhausted thinking about all I need to change now that I can.

I had a good conversation at lunch the other day about getting things done. I think people are inclined to get overwhelmed easily by big tasks. At the beginning of the semester, students have a freak-out day looking at all the assignments they have to do before finals, as if all of it needs to get done asap. Sure, by the end of that big project at work you will have finished multiple drafts, rewrites, edits, and worksheets. Do you need to do it all at once though? Of course not! But we still look at it all and have a melt down because how on earth will we get it all done!?
Well, how do you eat an elephant?
(You don't I hope..)
One bite at a time. One step at a time. One day at a time.

I need a real attitude change so that every day and situation I face is met with positivity. That's a lot of situations and a lot of days. I've got a mile long list of things I could do better, but number one on my list is changing my attitude about change. Its a slow process if its going to last, which I hate, and it needs to be revisited and checked for progress often.

So without further ado, I've come to the point: I am restarting my happiness project! This time it will be with daily checklists and weekly "progress reports." I don't have it all set up yet but I have a whole day to get organized :)
Its happening!

If you want to do a happiness project of your own (based on Gretchen Rubin's book "The Happiness Project"), let me know and I can outline how it works and how to keep up with it and what not! 

Live better and smile!

Mads