Happy July! Though I am sure my absence in the blog world has been missed (ya right), I won't waste anyone's time apologizing for my inactivity. It may or may not happen again, who really knows whats going to happen after a burst of "I-should-keep-up-with-my-blog" motivation.
Whats funny is that before I sat down to send some thoughts into the unknown, I had so many of them. Now I can't seem to think of anything that was so pressing before, but I think I need to touch upon what I've been doing the past 4 months.
In short, I have not been doing my happiness project. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for lasting 6 months on one project I have to say. Either way, I can go forward from here in a few different directions.
a. I can write off my blog, call it a good ride and take one developing commitment off my plate.
b. I can revamp the resolutions I've set for myself and pick up where I left off (probably skipping the health part for now since that's where I died before.)
c. I can keep the blog, skip the project, and rant about nothing for awhile.
Fine, you're right.. I should probably go with b. But somehow I feel different from when I was going through my happiness project before.
I don't want a checklist, I want to live so tuned in to God's plan for me that my actions and everyday choices reflect what he wants me to do. So after I work to figure out what brings me and my family happiness, I will rely on a more reliable source to remind me to keep up those things.
Joy is happiness that burns in your soul. There is no extinguishing the feelings of love that you will feel when you understand your place in eternity as a child of an ever-watchful God. Loneliness does not exist, fear does not exist where the love of God is embraced.
What can be so heartbreaking about this truth is that SO many people believe that being loved is dependent on their actions or beliefs. I have earnestly been trying to love as Christ and our Father in Heaven love us and to see people through their eyes. As I have tried to do so, however imperfectly I may be accomplishing it, I understand more fully how perfect and enveloping that love is. It is true joy to feel the love is given FREELY to us, and to feel it for another person, any person.
Wow.. I didn't know I would be going in that direction when I started this.
I also have a word to say concerning friendship. I sort of recently moved to a new home (welcome to Provo).. which means I have hardly any friends in the area. I don't know what this month was supposed to focus on, but I think right now I'll be focusing on building friendships and the best way to do it.
Maybe no one else needs a tutorial on how to make friends, but its something I could use so I figure I'll let yall know what works and doesn't work about the way I do it.
Until next time :)
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
February and March all at once!
You may or may not have noticed that I haven't posted anything since January. (If you did notice thanks for being a somewhat interested fan, and if you didn't thats ok too.) Honestly I've started a few different posts but never finished them.
February was supposed to be focused on learning. I was too busy learning to write about it, but I did make an important connection for myself. I go to BYUH, where religion and education are not only side-by-side, but intwined. I've realized that this is an incredibly unique thing. Most of America believes religion should be separate from.. well.. just about everything. But I am so grateful that I don't have to keep my faith separate from my schooling. In fact, incorporating what I believe about the gospel of Christ into my studies not only helps me to do better in school than I ever could on my own, but it also helps me make connections between basically everything in this life and our Father in Heaven who created it all. Every once in awhile I'm amidst the mob of people who complain about unfair honor code enforcement and how "strict" the administration can be, but regardless I still appreciate this learning environment. Many people who seek higher education find themselves drifting from the faith they grew believing in.. they put their trust in science or things they can prove, or their sophisticated philosophy classes have them thinking about where faith fits in to human reasoning. Bottom line, I can learn about all of that stuff in a way that actually strengthens my faith instead of hurting it.
I love learning. I'm happy when I'm moving forward and learning inside and outside of classes helps me feel like I'm progressing to different places in my life.
Now March has come and its a month I've wanted to delete off my list of resolutions because I'm supposed to be focusing on health. I suck at eating healthy and I hate exercising. I love sugar and salt and anything I don't have to cook or spend a fortune to buy. This leaves me with a crappy diet and a weak body. I don't get nearly enough protein so I feel tired and sick all the time. Unfortunately this is one of those things that I know in theory, but don't believe is actually true. Its weird, its a dumb way to think, and its time for a change.
First order of busy: I HAVE to learn that is ok to spend money on eating healthy! I've always hated spending a lot at the grocery store on food because it seems so temporary. I'd rather buy clothes that last years. Anyways I did already start this goal by allowing myself to shop well for good food. I found 3 recipes I wanted to learn how to make and I bought everything without feeling guilty at the register.. in fact it was actually kind of relieving to know I had a few meals I had everything for. Anyways this is far from being consistent and I'm sure when money's tight I'll slip back into eating junk because its cheaper.. but its a start. :)
I dont even want to mention exercise, but I figure working out 3 times a week is a good place to start. (Someone hold me to it or I'll cheat.)
Lasttt but not least. Sleep right! Early to bed early to rise. I'll be in bed by 9:30 and going to sleep no later than 10. And my alarm for everyday is set for 7 am. 9 hours of sleep is supposed to be enough for someone my age so we'll see how valid that is.
Any health tips would be appreciated. I'm not trying to lose weight, I just want to be healthy!
February was supposed to be focused on learning. I was too busy learning to write about it, but I did make an important connection for myself. I go to BYUH, where religion and education are not only side-by-side, but intwined. I've realized that this is an incredibly unique thing. Most of America believes religion should be separate from.. well.. just about everything. But I am so grateful that I don't have to keep my faith separate from my schooling. In fact, incorporating what I believe about the gospel of Christ into my studies not only helps me to do better in school than I ever could on my own, but it also helps me make connections between basically everything in this life and our Father in Heaven who created it all. Every once in awhile I'm amidst the mob of people who complain about unfair honor code enforcement and how "strict" the administration can be, but regardless I still appreciate this learning environment. Many people who seek higher education find themselves drifting from the faith they grew believing in.. they put their trust in science or things they can prove, or their sophisticated philosophy classes have them thinking about where faith fits in to human reasoning. Bottom line, I can learn about all of that stuff in a way that actually strengthens my faith instead of hurting it.
I love learning. I'm happy when I'm moving forward and learning inside and outside of classes helps me feel like I'm progressing to different places in my life.
Now March has come and its a month I've wanted to delete off my list of resolutions because I'm supposed to be focusing on health. I suck at eating healthy and I hate exercising. I love sugar and salt and anything I don't have to cook or spend a fortune to buy. This leaves me with a crappy diet and a weak body. I don't get nearly enough protein so I feel tired and sick all the time. Unfortunately this is one of those things that I know in theory, but don't believe is actually true. Its weird, its a dumb way to think, and its time for a change.
First order of busy: I HAVE to learn that is ok to spend money on eating healthy! I've always hated spending a lot at the grocery store on food because it seems so temporary. I'd rather buy clothes that last years. Anyways I did already start this goal by allowing myself to shop well for good food. I found 3 recipes I wanted to learn how to make and I bought everything without feeling guilty at the register.. in fact it was actually kind of relieving to know I had a few meals I had everything for. Anyways this is far from being consistent and I'm sure when money's tight I'll slip back into eating junk because its cheaper.. but its a start. :)
I dont even want to mention exercise, but I figure working out 3 times a week is a good place to start. (Someone hold me to it or I'll cheat.)
Lasttt but not least. Sleep right! Early to bed early to rise. I'll be in bed by 9:30 and going to sleep no later than 10. And my alarm for everyday is set for 7 am. 9 hours of sleep is supposed to be enough for someone my age so we'll see how valid that is.
Any health tips would be appreciated. I'm not trying to lose weight, I just want to be healthy!
Monday, January 28, 2013
A Chicken with its body cut off
I've been thinking about my thoughts constantly this month. I'm trying to be aware of how I perceive everything that happens to me and how I'm handling all I need to do.. which reminds that I left the laundry in the washing machine.
Now that thats taken care of.. I've felt like a chicken's head wondering where my body's running off to since school started. (Did that work? I was just trying to be more creative than the "chicken with its head cut off" thing). But it actually makes sense for me because really my body's been going through the motions of everything I have to do and my head's not really there.
This means that I don't have a good grasp on what I need to do for all my classes and when I am in class my mind wanders all over the place. Feeling sort of lost and jumbled would normally drive me insane and make me panicky about getting back on track and into a rhythm, but like I said I've been doing some introspection. My self awareness has led me to a surprisingly comfortable place: I'm grateful for the moments where I'm lost.
I spend a lot of time planning and preparing. I don't necessarily like doing it, but if you've been reading my posts for awhile you'll understand that its made me happy to have a plan and to accomplish things. So what I've done this month is taught myself that when that doesn't happen, it doesn't have to lead to a lack of happiness. I am capable of not only being content when my life isn't totally straightened out, but I am happy when it isn't.
I don't really have a "how to" for you, which makes me feel a little bad for posting about this. I just had to think my way into this idea. I do think it started with my Attitude of Gratitude week though.
It was really strange being grateful for things I would have previously been irritated at or I would have complained about, but none of it seemed like a big deal at all after I told myself I was in fact grateful for the small trial. And when the little annoyances and hassles aren't a big deal, there isn't anything preventing you from being happy. Moral of the story: TRY IT! Try going through a week of being grateful for EVERYTHING. that means being grateful for the mosquito bites you get at work, for a stolen longboard/bike, for having a messy house to clean, for the heaps of homework your teachers give you all at once, for the people who didn't sit next to you in class.. (just to name a few..) Try consciously telling yourself you're grateful for all of it.. at the end of the day try to remember what "trials" you endured and be grateful for the life you live.
Now that thats taken care of.. I've felt like a chicken's head wondering where my body's running off to since school started. (Did that work? I was just trying to be more creative than the "chicken with its head cut off" thing). But it actually makes sense for me because really my body's been going through the motions of everything I have to do and my head's not really there.
This means that I don't have a good grasp on what I need to do for all my classes and when I am in class my mind wanders all over the place. Feeling sort of lost and jumbled would normally drive me insane and make me panicky about getting back on track and into a rhythm, but like I said I've been doing some introspection. My self awareness has led me to a surprisingly comfortable place: I'm grateful for the moments where I'm lost.
I spend a lot of time planning and preparing. I don't necessarily like doing it, but if you've been reading my posts for awhile you'll understand that its made me happy to have a plan and to accomplish things. So what I've done this month is taught myself that when that doesn't happen, it doesn't have to lead to a lack of happiness. I am capable of not only being content when my life isn't totally straightened out, but I am happy when it isn't.
I don't really have a "how to" for you, which makes me feel a little bad for posting about this. I just had to think my way into this idea. I do think it started with my Attitude of Gratitude week though.
It was really strange being grateful for things I would have previously been irritated at or I would have complained about, but none of it seemed like a big deal at all after I told myself I was in fact grateful for the small trial. And when the little annoyances and hassles aren't a big deal, there isn't anything preventing you from being happy. Moral of the story: TRY IT! Try going through a week of being grateful for EVERYTHING. that means being grateful for the mosquito bites you get at work, for a stolen longboard/bike, for having a messy house to clean, for the heaps of homework your teachers give you all at once, for the people who didn't sit next to you in class.. (just to name a few..) Try consciously telling yourself you're grateful for all of it.. at the end of the day try to remember what "trials" you endured and be grateful for the life you live.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Get A Grip.
Miss me?
I didn't really miss blogging because I just enjoyed a fabulous Christmas break with my family. Now THERES the secret to happiness.. knowing that I'm going to be with these people FOREVER.
But this post isn't about how awesome my family and my husband's family are (aka all my family), its about a roller coaster.
That's right, a roller coaster you've never ridden before that starts slow, but once it picks up speed there is no way to figure out where its going next. This isn't a particularly clever analogy, in fact I'm considering not including it in this post at all. For the sake of not being able to think of another one, however, I'm going to have to settle with my life is like a roller coaster pitch.
As a quick recap, December was an awesome spin on the coaster that I wish I could repeat or spend more time on. Sean and I have enjoyed a little over a month of zero arguing and a relationship that I can only guess is what people are referring to when they describe Cloud 9. I'm really not trying to brag about it, though. Because, as anyone who's ever ridden a roller coaster can tell you, they can't go up forever. Inevitably you reach the top and for just a moment you're rounding the summit and wondering if its about to take you on an easy spin downwards or a deep, stomach-wrenching plunge.
I've been frozen in that moment for a couple days. Is one nasty argument really capable of destroying all progress we've made? Are we about to fall and forget how lovely a view we had on the ride up? Oh gracious Madison.. GET A GRIP.
Today I unveiled a new truth for myself. I CAN fake it till I make it. Sometimes to feel confident and happy, I have to fake it first and I'll fool myself into believing it. It was a couple rough days.. no one gets to be blissful every second of every day. I've been so blessed with such an immense degree of pure love between me and Sean that I shouldn't be surprised its time for me to use what I've learned. Our relationship has gotten stronger, and because of that we will have to endure harder trials together, maybe even more trials. In any case, a roller coaster may start off with its biggest and most terrifying drop, but its just so you can gain speed and get through the next ones. In fact, if you survive that one everything else seems easy in comparison. (Soo deep, I know.)
Anyways this whole spiel has a point. I'm starting off 2013, a new month and a new year, focusing on my ATTITUDE.
I don't want to be at the top of the ride about to fall over the side with nothing but fear and worry. I want to enjoy the view from the top and believe that no matter where I fall or how upside down life seems, in the end I'll be able to look back at the ride and know that it was worth it. And it is.
I may be disoriented (often) and anxious of the future (most of the time), but its not going to help the course get any straighter. I'm going to learn to scream all the fear out of me and turn it into joy and fun.
This week I'll be practicing an Attitude of Gratitude. This means that every prayer I say is used to say Thank You for everything I've been given, and that I walk around grateful for EVERYTHING (even the rain if it decides to be horrible and continue its rampage over the island.) I've heard a lot throughout my life about the benefit of focusing on what we are thankful for, so this week I'm putting it to the test (to the extreme.) I'm actually really excited about this, someone remind me to report back about it..
In general I'm also working on my attitude towards being flexible. I am a little skeptical about the success I'll have with this because I feel like my desire to know about things and make plans is part of my unchangeable personality, but I can always develop new ways of handling change right?
I feel really good about this week, well.. this year in general. If you must know (as if you were insisting or something?) I haven't posted until now because I didn't feel good about it. I've just plain missed my family and I've been struggling with feeling like I don't belong at my job anymore. So I'm telling myself to GET A GRIP. If I can't change what's going to happen I HAVE to learn to find happiness in it somewhere.. or at least be happy that whatever's happening will end at some point.
So my friends, Happy New Year. I hope you all have made more concrete resolutions than I have. Perhaps if you were considering starting a happiness project then now would be a grand time to begin!
I didn't really miss blogging because I just enjoyed a fabulous Christmas break with my family. Now THERES the secret to happiness.. knowing that I'm going to be with these people FOREVER.
But this post isn't about how awesome my family and my husband's family are (aka all my family), its about a roller coaster.
That's right, a roller coaster you've never ridden before that starts slow, but once it picks up speed there is no way to figure out where its going next. This isn't a particularly clever analogy, in fact I'm considering not including it in this post at all. For the sake of not being able to think of another one, however, I'm going to have to settle with my life is like a roller coaster pitch.
As a quick recap, December was an awesome spin on the coaster that I wish I could repeat or spend more time on. Sean and I have enjoyed a little over a month of zero arguing and a relationship that I can only guess is what people are referring to when they describe Cloud 9. I'm really not trying to brag about it, though. Because, as anyone who's ever ridden a roller coaster can tell you, they can't go up forever. Inevitably you reach the top and for just a moment you're rounding the summit and wondering if its about to take you on an easy spin downwards or a deep, stomach-wrenching plunge.
I've been frozen in that moment for a couple days. Is one nasty argument really capable of destroying all progress we've made? Are we about to fall and forget how lovely a view we had on the ride up? Oh gracious Madison.. GET A GRIP.
Today I unveiled a new truth for myself. I CAN fake it till I make it. Sometimes to feel confident and happy, I have to fake it first and I'll fool myself into believing it. It was a couple rough days.. no one gets to be blissful every second of every day. I've been so blessed with such an immense degree of pure love between me and Sean that I shouldn't be surprised its time for me to use what I've learned. Our relationship has gotten stronger, and because of that we will have to endure harder trials together, maybe even more trials. In any case, a roller coaster may start off with its biggest and most terrifying drop, but its just so you can gain speed and get through the next ones. In fact, if you survive that one everything else seems easy in comparison. (Soo deep, I know.)
Anyways this whole spiel has a point. I'm starting off 2013, a new month and a new year, focusing on my ATTITUDE.
I don't want to be at the top of the ride about to fall over the side with nothing but fear and worry. I want to enjoy the view from the top and believe that no matter where I fall or how upside down life seems, in the end I'll be able to look back at the ride and know that it was worth it. And it is.
I may be disoriented (often) and anxious of the future (most of the time), but its not going to help the course get any straighter. I'm going to learn to scream all the fear out of me and turn it into joy and fun.
This week I'll be practicing an Attitude of Gratitude. This means that every prayer I say is used to say Thank You for everything I've been given, and that I walk around grateful for EVERYTHING (even the rain if it decides to be horrible and continue its rampage over the island.) I've heard a lot throughout my life about the benefit of focusing on what we are thankful for, so this week I'm putting it to the test (to the extreme.) I'm actually really excited about this, someone remind me to report back about it..
In general I'm also working on my attitude towards being flexible. I am a little skeptical about the success I'll have with this because I feel like my desire to know about things and make plans is part of my unchangeable personality, but I can always develop new ways of handling change right?
I feel really good about this week, well.. this year in general. If you must know (as if you were insisting or something?) I haven't posted until now because I didn't feel good about it. I've just plain missed my family and I've been struggling with feeling like I don't belong at my job anymore. So I'm telling myself to GET A GRIP. If I can't change what's going to happen I HAVE to learn to find happiness in it somewhere.. or at least be happy that whatever's happening will end at some point.
So my friends, Happy New Year. I hope you all have made more concrete resolutions than I have. Perhaps if you were considering starting a happiness project then now would be a grand time to begin!
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Home is where the Heart is
I've always thought that home should be a place of refuge. I haven't always felt that it is, but I've wanted it to be.
Law and Order: SVU has been my show of choice for allll my downtime this past week or two. I'm not totally sure why I like it so much because it scares me how psycho some people can be.. but one of the things that makes me the most sad about the show are the episodes in which a broken home has stolen innocence from a child or affected the outcome of a teens life forever. Home is supposed to be a safe haven, where children learn and grow and we can escape the pressures and nastiness of the world.
I didn't grow up in a "broken" home.. I wasn't necessarily happy there, but all things considered I was safe at home.
Even without children in my home now, I still want so badly to create a place of refuge for my husband and I. He's often telling me that he wants home to be a place to just relax, somewhere he looks forward to coming back to every day. Unfortunately he can't always get his wish because it involves not having to come home and clean up or do homework, but I've really been wondering how I could help make our home a place we can feel peace and safety.
Which is why this month I'm focusing on the HOME. ya ya... its already a week into December, but I've been caught up with Christmas stuff which means I've been accomplishing this goal anyways.
My solutions for creating a safe haven at home:
1. Simplify. I don't know how it happened.. but somehow we've accumulated so much junk since we moved into our apartment a year ago. Well.. a lot of things I can't just throw out.. its important stuff, but most of it is unnecessary to have anymore. Do we need 2 (and a half) sets of bed sheets when its just us 2 here? Do we need all the stuff I have crammed into the plastic drawers all over the place? Do we need the stacks of papers and books from classes we took a couple semesters ago? Probably not.. but ok you caught me, most of this stuff is mine.
2. Keep it clean. I've been testing this theory out for a little while.. the effect of a clean home on attitude. I've purposely left dishes in the sink and my school stuff all over when Sean and I go out to see how it feels when we come home. It feels monumentally more relaxing to walk into a clean home. I don't think I'll ever be able to keep up a spotless house, but I know it makes a huge difference to feel that your home is clean and decluttered.
So each night I (and hopefully Sean too) will be doing a nightly sweep of the apartment: picking up clothes, doing the dishes/putting them away, clearing surfaces and the floors. Waking up to a house of mess can be just as damaging to a feeling of relaxation as coming home to one.
I also have a new rule for myself, if it takes less than a minute to do something JUST DO IT.
3. Invite the Spirit. There is nothing as soothing or love-inducing as having the spirit, and my home could never hope to be a place of refuge without it. This means my choice of music will have to be something that invites it in (not hard with Christmas music all the time!) Also, I have one picture up of the Laie temple, but I should have more pictures of Christ and temples around our apartment to remind us of what is important. Nothing brings more importance to family than Christ's atonement and our ability to be with our families forever through the temple. My home cannot be a temple, but I'll do what I can to make it like one.
4. Sing at home. So much joy can spread through a home when an uplifting song rings through the rooms. Couple that with personal involvement in making it happen and the home will automatically feel much happier. (Note: if your singing would actually harm the peaceful feeling in the home.. just stick to playing nice music. :) )
Simple things right? I'm sure there's more that could be included here, any ideas?
Law and Order: SVU has been my show of choice for allll my downtime this past week or two. I'm not totally sure why I like it so much because it scares me how psycho some people can be.. but one of the things that makes me the most sad about the show are the episodes in which a broken home has stolen innocence from a child or affected the outcome of a teens life forever. Home is supposed to be a safe haven, where children learn and grow and we can escape the pressures and nastiness of the world.
I didn't grow up in a "broken" home.. I wasn't necessarily happy there, but all things considered I was safe at home.
Even without children in my home now, I still want so badly to create a place of refuge for my husband and I. He's often telling me that he wants home to be a place to just relax, somewhere he looks forward to coming back to every day. Unfortunately he can't always get his wish because it involves not having to come home and clean up or do homework, but I've really been wondering how I could help make our home a place we can feel peace and safety.
Which is why this month I'm focusing on the HOME. ya ya... its already a week into December, but I've been caught up with Christmas stuff which means I've been accomplishing this goal anyways.
My solutions for creating a safe haven at home:
1. Simplify. I don't know how it happened.. but somehow we've accumulated so much junk since we moved into our apartment a year ago. Well.. a lot of things I can't just throw out.. its important stuff, but most of it is unnecessary to have anymore. Do we need 2 (and a half) sets of bed sheets when its just us 2 here? Do we need all the stuff I have crammed into the plastic drawers all over the place? Do we need the stacks of papers and books from classes we took a couple semesters ago? Probably not.. but ok you caught me, most of this stuff is mine.
2. Keep it clean. I've been testing this theory out for a little while.. the effect of a clean home on attitude. I've purposely left dishes in the sink and my school stuff all over when Sean and I go out to see how it feels when we come home. It feels monumentally more relaxing to walk into a clean home. I don't think I'll ever be able to keep up a spotless house, but I know it makes a huge difference to feel that your home is clean and decluttered.
So each night I (and hopefully Sean too) will be doing a nightly sweep of the apartment: picking up clothes, doing the dishes/putting them away, clearing surfaces and the floors. Waking up to a house of mess can be just as damaging to a feeling of relaxation as coming home to one.
I also have a new rule for myself, if it takes less than a minute to do something JUST DO IT.
3. Invite the Spirit. There is nothing as soothing or love-inducing as having the spirit, and my home could never hope to be a place of refuge without it. This means my choice of music will have to be something that invites it in (not hard with Christmas music all the time!) Also, I have one picture up of the Laie temple, but I should have more pictures of Christ and temples around our apartment to remind us of what is important. Nothing brings more importance to family than Christ's atonement and our ability to be with our families forever through the temple. My home cannot be a temple, but I'll do what I can to make it like one.
4. Sing at home. So much joy can spread through a home when an uplifting song rings through the rooms. Couple that with personal involvement in making it happen and the home will automatically feel much happier. (Note: if your singing would actually harm the peaceful feeling in the home.. just stick to playing nice music. :) )
Simple things right? I'm sure there's more that could be included here, any ideas?
Saturday, December 1, 2012
the Truth about Depression
Today's post is as much about marriage as it is about every other part of my life. Mostly, today is about happiness.
This topic is rather personal, and the only reason I'm inclined to share it is in case someone else is going through the same thing and could benefit from it.
Obviously from the title I'm posting today about depression.. clinical depression. Its something I have felt I've struggled with since high school. I don't know if my parents just didn't believe it was a real thing or if they were opposed to taking medicines for mental health issues.. but no matter the reason I never got the chance to go see someone about it. Don't get me wrong, I have really great memories from high school where I wasn't irritated and sulking around, thankfully I had friends who made me happy.
Thats something we're not supposed to say right? We're not supposed to have someone else making us happy, "happiness is a choice" "you don't get happiness from others, its something you give."
Its awesome if you believe those things because they're true for you, but I'm telling you that happiness was not my choice. That I would have been a very different person if I didn't have people making me happy because I couldn't be on my own.
I can't accurately describe what depression feels like to someone who hasn't experienced it. Its not just being unhappy... its knowing that you're unhappy, wanting happiness, but having no motivation to Do anything about it. I've spent days wasting time at home watching tv or on fb because even if the weather was perfect for the beach and I would love being there, it felt exhausting to have to get ready and go.. and what if the clouds came and it was all a waste anyways?
I know how it sounds.. and it sounds the way it is, depression is just negative. Its not a positive feeling in any way, and you can only imagine how this can affect a marriage. I find myself constantly irritated at the dumb things Sean says or does, no patience to let it slide or take the high road. In fact, I would be irritated even if he didn't do anything dumb at all! I get frustrated when writing papers because I can't focus on what I want to say. I feel tired ALL the time. I have no determination to face a trial with a good attitude. Depression feels like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket on you that weighs down your heart, body, and mind.
All of this has been really hard for Sean (which was in turn hard for me because I felt like he had no right to say that.) He believes happiness is a choice.. its one of the reasons I married him actually. He had the ability to make me happy. I don't know where it changed, but he wanted me to be stronger. He wanted me to be able to make the choices that would bring me happiness. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to do anything.
Well folks, a happy ending. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, went to the doc about it, and I've been taking a medicine for it for a couple weeks. I still have trials and stress from school, home, work, etc.. but I can handle it. I finally have the choice to "endure my trials well." Sean still says dumb things, but I am 10 times more patient and forgiving. More than that, what he says doesn't bring me down so much. It used to be that anything he said that even hinted at him not caring about me would send me into a tailspin of loneliness. No more! Life just seems.. more simple. If I have something to do, I do it. I don't fret alll day about the homework I have that night. I'm able to focus on where I am and enjoy that moment without constantly thinking about what is coming next.
Needless to say, I love it. I stopped caring about the stigma of having to take a drug for "mental illness". I don't care what people want to call depression.. its real and its hard, but there is no reason for people to spend their life struggling with it. I thought for awhile that not getting it treated would make me stronger because this is a temporary trial that I just have to endure well. I thought it made sense because I have really good days sometimes, so surely they weighed out the bad days. So dumb.. why have ANY days that are bad because of something that can be changed?
Hopefully this is the end of depression for me. If you're struggling with it or you think you may have clinical depression PLEASE talk to someone about it. There is no shame in suffering from something you cannot control, and there is definitely no shame in getting help for it.
Taking this step couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for my happiness project. (It has clearly boosted its success as well haha.) I have been able to focus on the real issues between Sean and I.. instead of getting hung up on the small ones.
I have to admit I stopped keeping track of my checklist everyday. It just seemed silly to be checking off that I successfully completed a day of "serving my husband" or "forgiving him quickly" if it was happening naturally (well, most days.) Without being hung up on my unhappiness I've been able to truly be with Sean during time we find for each other, instead of always worrying about the next task. I've been able to tell him simply "I'm annoyed at this right now" so that he knows to tread carefully. (Trust me, its been hard to do this.)
I apologize for the lack of insight this month about marriage. Its just.. working. My marriage wasn't exactly broken.. but aside from me taking medicine I can't put a finger on what has changed with both Sean and I in relation to our marriage. I feel closer to him and he has graciously showed me constantly how much I mean to him.
Was that there all along?
This topic is rather personal, and the only reason I'm inclined to share it is in case someone else is going through the same thing and could benefit from it.
Obviously from the title I'm posting today about depression.. clinical depression. Its something I have felt I've struggled with since high school. I don't know if my parents just didn't believe it was a real thing or if they were opposed to taking medicines for mental health issues.. but no matter the reason I never got the chance to go see someone about it. Don't get me wrong, I have really great memories from high school where I wasn't irritated and sulking around, thankfully I had friends who made me happy.
Thats something we're not supposed to say right? We're not supposed to have someone else making us happy, "happiness is a choice" "you don't get happiness from others, its something you give."
Its awesome if you believe those things because they're true for you, but I'm telling you that happiness was not my choice. That I would have been a very different person if I didn't have people making me happy because I couldn't be on my own.
I can't accurately describe what depression feels like to someone who hasn't experienced it. Its not just being unhappy... its knowing that you're unhappy, wanting happiness, but having no motivation to Do anything about it. I've spent days wasting time at home watching tv or on fb because even if the weather was perfect for the beach and I would love being there, it felt exhausting to have to get ready and go.. and what if the clouds came and it was all a waste anyways?
I know how it sounds.. and it sounds the way it is, depression is just negative. Its not a positive feeling in any way, and you can only imagine how this can affect a marriage. I find myself constantly irritated at the dumb things Sean says or does, no patience to let it slide or take the high road. In fact, I would be irritated even if he didn't do anything dumb at all! I get frustrated when writing papers because I can't focus on what I want to say. I feel tired ALL the time. I have no determination to face a trial with a good attitude. Depression feels like a heavy, uncomfortable blanket on you that weighs down your heart, body, and mind.
All of this has been really hard for Sean (which was in turn hard for me because I felt like he had no right to say that.) He believes happiness is a choice.. its one of the reasons I married him actually. He had the ability to make me happy. I don't know where it changed, but he wanted me to be stronger. He wanted me to be able to make the choices that would bring me happiness. He couldn't understand that I didn't want to do anything.
Well folks, a happy ending. I was finally diagnosed with clinical depression, went to the doc about it, and I've been taking a medicine for it for a couple weeks. I still have trials and stress from school, home, work, etc.. but I can handle it. I finally have the choice to "endure my trials well." Sean still says dumb things, but I am 10 times more patient and forgiving. More than that, what he says doesn't bring me down so much. It used to be that anything he said that even hinted at him not caring about me would send me into a tailspin of loneliness. No more! Life just seems.. more simple. If I have something to do, I do it. I don't fret alll day about the homework I have that night. I'm able to focus on where I am and enjoy that moment without constantly thinking about what is coming next.
Needless to say, I love it. I stopped caring about the stigma of having to take a drug for "mental illness". I don't care what people want to call depression.. its real and its hard, but there is no reason for people to spend their life struggling with it. I thought for awhile that not getting it treated would make me stronger because this is a temporary trial that I just have to endure well. I thought it made sense because I have really good days sometimes, so surely they weighed out the bad days. So dumb.. why have ANY days that are bad because of something that can be changed?
Hopefully this is the end of depression for me. If you're struggling with it or you think you may have clinical depression PLEASE talk to someone about it. There is no shame in suffering from something you cannot control, and there is definitely no shame in getting help for it.
Taking this step couldn't have come at a more appropriate time for my happiness project. (It has clearly boosted its success as well haha.) I have been able to focus on the real issues between Sean and I.. instead of getting hung up on the small ones.
I have to admit I stopped keeping track of my checklist everyday. It just seemed silly to be checking off that I successfully completed a day of "serving my husband" or "forgiving him quickly" if it was happening naturally (well, most days.) Without being hung up on my unhappiness I've been able to truly be with Sean during time we find for each other, instead of always worrying about the next task. I've been able to tell him simply "I'm annoyed at this right now" so that he knows to tread carefully. (Trust me, its been hard to do this.)
I apologize for the lack of insight this month about marriage. Its just.. working. My marriage wasn't exactly broken.. but aside from me taking medicine I can't put a finger on what has changed with both Sean and I in relation to our marriage. I feel closer to him and he has graciously showed me constantly how much I mean to him.
Was that there all along?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Different Kinds of Love
I fell in love with Sean very quickly. And, as anyone that has ever been in love can probably tell you, its a lot harder to learn to love than it is to fall in it. (Of course, when is falling ever very difficult?)
Being in love is having stars in your eyes that cover up any faults your sweetheart has. Its being on a high 24/7 because even if you're not with your wonderfully perfect significant other, just thinking about them makes you happy. Its feeling like you aren't complete unless you're together, like living isn't the same without them and you don't understand how you did it before. Its being able to communicate with ease because no matter what you're really hearing, all of it is surely a sign you were meant to find each other.
Learning to love is simply not this way. Its forgiveness and patience for faults you realize you can't stand, its loving someone despite of the faults you can't stand. Its accepting that, even if your relationship isn't everything you thought it would be, he/she is worth the effort in learning to love them for who they are.
I read a lot of books by one author, Jodi Picoult (by "a lot" I mean all.. I've read all of them. And I think she is where I get my writing style from?) Anyways, her books almost always include a relationship between a husband and wife, young in-love high schoolers, or old friends in which the couple understands each other so perfectly sometimes they don't even need to talk and everything's being said. They complete each other, and love despite bad decisions and flaws.
I just discovered today that there is a perfect place on Sean's shoulder where I can lay and fit perfectly. I was wondering why I hadn't noticed it before, but I figured it was just because he was sitting differently or something. But it felt like what Jodi Picoult writes about... like suddenly I had come across a moment where we just fit together perfectly.
Soo I guess what I'm trying to say is that love changes. Even if its always there as an underlying connection between two people, as the reason they struggle through communicating and understanding each other... it changes.
I used to HATE that my relationship with Sean wasn't the one I had assumed my relationship with my husband would be. I wanted him to know what I needed without me saying a word, I wanted him to be patient with my faults and understand why I have them, and I thought he would constantly be assuring me how much I meant to him.
I have spent so many hours feeling nothing short of despair because I thought I would never have the relationship I felt I needed with my husband.
Thankfully I've come to my senses. In one of these low moments of self pity, when I found that I needed to be the one to comfort my husband even though I felt I was the one truly in need of of some TLC... I really understood what it means when people say "it takes time." It doesn't matter that I think I'm clearly spelling out for him what I'm thinking and what I need him to do, until he's ready to do it its not going to matter. And thats ok, because one day he will get it. Because love changes. Right now its a lifeline in a nasty storm of early married life, but one day it will be comfortable and understanding.
Sean and I are finding out new things about each other, and every day our relationship changes just a little. But sometimes it just takes a small change to help us realize that it is possible, that love has the power to soften hearts and tie two people together forever.
Being in love is having stars in your eyes that cover up any faults your sweetheart has. Its being on a high 24/7 because even if you're not with your wonderfully perfect significant other, just thinking about them makes you happy. Its feeling like you aren't complete unless you're together, like living isn't the same without them and you don't understand how you did it before. Its being able to communicate with ease because no matter what you're really hearing, all of it is surely a sign you were meant to find each other.
Learning to love is simply not this way. Its forgiveness and patience for faults you realize you can't stand, its loving someone despite of the faults you can't stand. Its accepting that, even if your relationship isn't everything you thought it would be, he/she is worth the effort in learning to love them for who they are.
I read a lot of books by one author, Jodi Picoult (by "a lot" I mean all.. I've read all of them. And I think she is where I get my writing style from?) Anyways, her books almost always include a relationship between a husband and wife, young in-love high schoolers, or old friends in which the couple understands each other so perfectly sometimes they don't even need to talk and everything's being said. They complete each other, and love despite bad decisions and flaws.
I just discovered today that there is a perfect place on Sean's shoulder where I can lay and fit perfectly. I was wondering why I hadn't noticed it before, but I figured it was just because he was sitting differently or something. But it felt like what Jodi Picoult writes about... like suddenly I had come across a moment where we just fit together perfectly.
Soo I guess what I'm trying to say is that love changes. Even if its always there as an underlying connection between two people, as the reason they struggle through communicating and understanding each other... it changes.
I used to HATE that my relationship with Sean wasn't the one I had assumed my relationship with my husband would be. I wanted him to know what I needed without me saying a word, I wanted him to be patient with my faults and understand why I have them, and I thought he would constantly be assuring me how much I meant to him.
I have spent so many hours feeling nothing short of despair because I thought I would never have the relationship I felt I needed with my husband.
Thankfully I've come to my senses. In one of these low moments of self pity, when I found that I needed to be the one to comfort my husband even though I felt I was the one truly in need of of some TLC... I really understood what it means when people say "it takes time." It doesn't matter that I think I'm clearly spelling out for him what I'm thinking and what I need him to do, until he's ready to do it its not going to matter. And thats ok, because one day he will get it. Because love changes. Right now its a lifeline in a nasty storm of early married life, but one day it will be comfortable and understanding.
Sean and I are finding out new things about each other, and every day our relationship changes just a little. But sometimes it just takes a small change to help us realize that it is possible, that love has the power to soften hearts and tie two people together forever.