Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today.

Name that movie! (From the title..)

So guessss what month it is!! (Again..)

MARRIAGE MONTH! Yay!
Because I got behind a month by postponing my marriage month/making Faith take up 1.5 months, I was tempted to combine Marriage and Home together.. but both call for big things so I'll fit it in somewhere else.

Ok honestly just thinking about this month makes me nervous. BUT I have resolutions and I'm sincerely excited about it as well. Well, today I am anyways (who knows about tomorrow), which means there is no better time for me to put in writing what I plan on accomplishing this month.


In preparation for my marriage goals, I've poured over list after list.. "6 Ways to Build up Our Husbands", "20 Ways to Bring you and Your Husband Closer to each other", "100 Ways to Make your Marriage Rock", etc, etc.

These all have enlightening or creative ideas (the links are below if you're interested), but the only list I'm going to spell out fully is my "20 Ways..." List. I actually got this list from a lesson in church about the blessings of marriage.

1. Night and Morning Prayer

• This has become especially important to me since last month's goals. Marriage is between me, Sean, AND the Lord. We are totally inadequate to handle what we go through alone. So I've adopted the motto "Do your best and the Lord will do the rest" but for this to work we have to pray for his help.

2. A weekly planning Meeting

• I actually tried doing this last Sunday but I was doing other things at the same time so I got annoyed at like everything Sean was asking me. Haha so counterproductive. So during these meetings, FOCUS.

3. A daily phone call or personal conversation.
4. A weekly Date

• If you're trying to do this, PUT IT ON THE SCHEDULE. It won't happen if you're trying to squeeze it in somewhere last minute.

5. Patience REGARDLESS. [Ya.. I need this.]
6. Daily service.
7. A Budget.
8. Listening
9. Regular attendance at church meetings and the temple.
10. Daily Scripture Reading.
11. Working Together.
12. Forgiving Each other.
13. Courtesies.

• Leave the chair free where he usually puts his towel, declutter our surfaces, reminders...

14. Soft and Kind Words.
15. Learning together.
16. Respect.
17. Supporting your spouse's goals, needs, callings, etc..
18. Support your spouse's family
19. Occasional gifts.
20. Loving with ALL your heart. "Fall in love with the same person over and over again."

All of these things are important and I wish I could get them all perfect in a month, but I've chosen a few based on this list and the main things I feel that Sean and I need to work on.

So my resolutions are as follows::
FIRST: Daily Service. My last post revealed that one of my "aha" moments was realizing I need to serve more. My husband should be at the top of the list. So every day I'll try to serve him in some way.
SECOND: Play Time. Some days I wish we had nothing else in the world to do but be together, some days I'm grateful for work and school that give me a break from being at home.. but overall Sean and I need a lot more time together that is just spent having fun with each other. We don't always know how to do this, but this goal encompasses us finding a hobby we both enjoy and learning how to spend time together (sounds so ridiculous but trust me, we need it.) I also know I need to be more lighthearted. Easier said than done for me sometimes, but I know we need things to be less serious all the time. I want to be as happy and carefree as I was when we first started dating.
THIRD: Start a New Tradition. I have no idea where I want to go with this. So far I'm totally open minded about what this could mean, but I've read in a few places that traditions allow couples to have something to look forward to each time that event comes around. Plus I want to have fun traditions for our kids to grow up with.
FOURTH: Follow Our Budget. A staggering amount of marriages break up over finances. Over MONEY. As if it didn't ruin enough things in the world.. We have set up a tentative budget, the trick now will be making it through a month where we actually stick to it effectively.
FIFTH: 5 Minute Forgiveness. I forgive easily, but I have a hard time doing it without an apology. And Sean has a hard time apologizing for things he doesn't think are wrong. We've definitely improved as I've tried listening to his request for me to explain things clearly (like everything) and he has accepted that that is hard for me to do. There is vast room for improvement here though.
SIXTH: An Attitude of Gratitude. This is more of a command from my cousin (in a good way), but I've "decided" to start a small journal in which every day I write at least 3 things I am grateful for about Sean.

Marriage is hard you guys. But I have faith that it is worth it.
I could use a few different scriptures to say this, but one of my favorite endurance verses comes from the doctrine and covenants. Joseph Smith, who has been imprisoned in rotten conditions while the Saints are persecuted and killed cries out to God, asking him why he has forsaken his faithful children in the time of their greatest need. To which He replies "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment. And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes." D&C 121:7-8.

Endure it well. Not just those of you who are stumbling through marriage, but with everything. The adversary doesn't want us to choose good things. He'll fight against every step we take towards living a better life, but it WILL BE worth every trial.

Sorry for the long post, its going to be a long month :)

6 Ways to Build Up your Husbands
100 Ways to Make Your Marriage Rock


p.s. the Movie I got the title from is The Princess Bride.

When you know, you know... so wait.

I can't think of a more eloquent title for my message today. This is a break from my happiness project updates, and as much as I wanted to wait to post this until my marriage month, I figure there's no point in putting it off.
Note: I may or may not write a book about this. The audience is mostly intended to be young LDS couples, but I imagine most of you will find it compelling anyways.

So you know that couple who's only been dating for a few weeks, or even a few months, and is already planning their wedding date? What is it that they say again? Oh, thats right "When you know, you know!"
Has our generation started to use this as a crutch for rushing into marriage? I absolutely believe that God knows us and He knows who would be good companions for us. I don't believe that there is "The One." There are far too many people in the world for that. I do believe that there are "the few" who can fulfill, at least partially, our romantic, fairy-tale expectations of being in love. The young couples we see getting engaged left and right can fall into this category, but this is rarely the case. In fact, sometimes the only common ground they share is the gospel, which I absolutely believe can be enough for a lasting marriage, but, and I can't stress this enough, NOT an easy one.
I am not saying don't get married unless you're best friends and you can read each others thoughts and he opens the door for you and you love to do the same things etc... I'm saying that it's wonderful to KNOW that he/she is right for you, that you've found someone that the Lord has put in your path as a potential eternal companion, but just because its right there is no reason to rush to the altar.
When two people get married, their relationship changes (usually) from a carefree dating and lovey-dovey stage to one with responsibilities to each other and expectations. For example, I didn't expect my husband when we were dating to tell me where he was going to be and where his money was being spent. When we got married, he was surprised to find that he could no longer go out to eat when he pleased or leave the house for hours without me getting upset at him upon his return. I expected that he would view marriage as I did: a partnership in which we communicate with each other, are open about everything, want to spend spare time together, and create a family budget together. For one reason or another, and culture can play a very heavy role in our expectations, but he did not (does not) have the same understanding of how a marriage should be as I do. I've found that BECAUSE we're married, it is WAY harder for us to come to an agreement about how marriage SHOULD or should not be. I have no way of testing this theory, but I believe that if we had taken the time to discuss what we wanted from marriage and what we expected of each other beforehand, we would be 10 times more willing to make the necessary changes for each other than we are now.

Which brings me to my point: WAIT. Get engaged, love each other, plan a wedding for the future, but WAIT on it. Take time to learn each other. Most people take a year to plan a wedding because there is too much planning to do on short notice. Mormon weddings don't require nearly as much preparation, but getting to know the person you'll be spending eternity with does. Ask the questions about your future. Get to know favorites, how they were raised, what they want out of life, their needs, and the list goes on and on.
Its not reasonable to think you can learn everything before marriage, and that would take the fun out of getting to know each other through the years... but the beginning of your marriage will be hard regardless of how in love you are, Don't make it harder by marrying someone you barely know!

Just.. learn each other you guys. Thats all.

Stuck?

First of all.. stuck is a very strange word if you look at it for a minute or two.

Second, I apologize for going almost a month without updating. I've occasionally thought of a topic to write about, but I haven't had a conclusion. I suppose I'm too stuck in the American narrative in which everything comes with a happy ending (.. wait does that still exist?) In any case, I've been nothing short of confused throughout all of October. I posted awhile ago about sticking to values.. that people won't be happy if they're living below the standards they have.
Well, as it turns out, just abiding by standards isn't enough either. This is an incredibly daunting message, and I'll explain why. When we finally come to turns with the idea that choosing the "right" (whatever we may deem it to be) brings us happiness, and we learn to live accordingly, we have just raised the bar for ourselves. If you're determined in life to be an underachiever you may excuse yourself at this time.
I like to think, though, that this isn't the case for many people. That when we truly think about ourselves and where we envision our future to be, it isn't in the same place as we currently are (or worse, a few steps backwards), but instead its somewhere better. No, we may not like the work thats necessary in progressing (ESPECIALLY when it feels like no one cares about our progress or attempts at improving ourselves)... but I have faith that we'll like the reward.
I've been trying my best to do it all. I've prayed, I've read the scriptures, I've gone to church, I fulfilled my responsibilities as a member of the church, I've gone to the temple... these are things I've heard my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE. Soo.. somehow I was expecting a round of applause and a break from hard days. ha. ha. ha.
On the contrary, I realized that I was still missing something very important. Unfortunately, it wasn't until about a week ago that I understood which gospel principle it was: service... Also something I've heard my whole life, but perhaps thats what has made is seem unimportant.
Thankfully, going into my church's General Conference with an inquisitive mind and open heart I was able to feel the weight of this counsel.

This quote is a bit long, but read it anyways!

Many of us are dutiful in attending our Church meetings. We work hard in our callings and especially on Sundays. That is surely to be commended. But are our minds and our hearts just as anxiously engaged in good things during the rest of the week? Do we just go through the motions, or are we truly converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ? How do we take the seed of faith that has been nurtured in our minds and plant it deep in the fertile soil of our souls? How do we make the mighty change of heart that Alma says is essential for our eternal happiness and peace?

Only when our testimony transcends what is in our mind and burrows deep into our heart will our motivation to love and to serve become like unto the Savior’s. It is then, and only then, that we become deeply converted disciples of Christ empowered by the Spirit to reach the hearts of our fellowmen.

-Elder M. Russel Ballard

so there ya have it. Well.. I could quote a lot of other parts of conference that hit me with this same idea. I will share one other quote that was weighing on my mind before the conference. 

"Unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives."

-Pres. Thomas S. Monson

well there ya have it. Service my friends. That it. That is what has gotten me out of the rut I've been in. Other counsel regarding this (that I don't feel like finding the exact quote of) urges us to pray every morning for opportunities to serve. I've been really trying to do this. I can feel that this is what I'm supposed to be working on. Take it or leave it.. thats where my happiness will come from.

I could take this message so much further.. In fact I could spend a year telling you all about this one thing. I will let you know how its going, and maybe share an experience or two. If I don't though, its mostly because these kinds of experiences are usually very special to me, and somehow sharing them feels like bragging about how wonderful I am and how much I help others. Just knowing that some may view it that way makes me cautious to share too much, but I'll share what I feel like I need to for your benefit! 

Sorry again for the delay, it won't happen again :] (uh.. hopefully.) 

"HELP WANTED"

Have you ever seen the show "Made"? I believe it was on MTV or something like that... and I was never a big fan, but essentially the show is about individuals who want to be "made" into someone else. Usually its a very drastic change from the person that they start out as. (For instance, a country boy wanting to become a fashion designer.)
Again, I was not an avid fan of the show, but I've always been attracted to the premise of it. There have been so many things I've wanted to be, and talents I've wanted to develop that seemed out of the scope of possibility.
Exhibit A: Dancing. I attempted a dance class in high school, and I actually kind of enjoyed it. But I've always felt too tall to look as graceful as the dancers I admired. Soo... I quit dance to be an athletic trainer (which somehow covered my PE credit without us doing any physical activity.)
It is also important to understand how much I love watching people perform. It inspires me. When I watch So you think you can dance, my leg and arm muscles are dying to try out the choreography. When I listen to music I can envision how I would dance to it if my body knew how to.
I had a moment last night, while I was re-watching my favorite dances from this last season, where I pictured my life in the future. I realized that I will never be a dancer. I'm not taking classes, I'm not trying to become more flexible, I'm not doing anything. I can't even explain how crushed I was to figure this out. I doubt I'm the only one that wants to become someone, but imagines that it will just happen with all the time I have left for my life.
Some people start dancing when they are toddlers, some in their teens. I don't think there are many who start at 21, but I want to be a dancer.
I would explain the point of all this, but I think this quote says it best..

So if you know someone, or you are someone, who is patient and willing to work with an inflexible, uncoordinated wannabe dancer, please send them my way!

(Seriously though.)

Lessons from my Childhood

FAITH

Sorry its taken me a bit to update what it is I'm doing this month (and next.) Rest assured, I have not been slacking or quitting.
In Texas my stake president* had a famous saying that he would give each time he spoke to the youth "Good choices = happiness." So simple. We all knew that when he spoke to us it would come up at some point. I suppose it was very important for him to know that we knew it.
"Perseverance in making correct decisions is what leads us to happiness.
Happiness comes as a result of our obedience and our courage in always doing the will of God, even in the most difficult circumstances."-Benjamin De Hoyos
I've heard this said different ways. Once the message went something like "living beneath the standards you hold for yourself will bring you unhappiness." Most people have a moral code. I'm aware yours may not be the same as mine, but it doesn't matter if it is or not when applying this principle. If you are living below the morals you have for yourself you will not be happy. When your actions reflect the opposite of who you truly are, you will not be happy.
I think the world and all the broken things about it scream at us to just lower our standards, lower our morals and we can be happy that way. I suppose its true... for a moment.
Its possible to have a crazy night of laughing and messing around that will look just like happiness. But the next morning, if you remember it, your happiness might leave you with a headache, an embarrassing story or photo, a disappointed friend or family member. I promise you true happiness does not come with negative consequences. Promise.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you (and myself) is not to lower your standards or morals to fit into someone else's "happy" story. The only way it will be your happy ending is to know who you are, what you stand for, and to live accordingly.


On that note.. this month I'm putting into action the things I've heard since I was primary aged.
1. Read the scriptures daily. I've been doing this since my first month so I've already got a pretty good head start on this one.
2. Pray every morning and night. Whats funny is that the three things that the church stresses to us is "read the scriptures, pray, and go to church," but what I've realized throughout this last month and a half is that you have to do all of them together for it to work. I've been reading the book of Mormon every day, but I haven't been praying and building a relationship with God or Christ... it hasn't felt the same. So this is one I'm really working on improving.
3. Attend a temple session each week. If you're not LDS this won't make any sense to you, but essentially at the mysterious Mormon temple we go to make promises with God. Like any promise, commitment, or resolution its easy to forget about it as life goes by. Going each week will remind me the standards I've committed to and make it easier to keep them.
4. Excel in my church calling. K so far I've failed this.. I am a "Visiting Teaching supervisor." The women of a ward are assigned a companion and at least 2 other women to visit and teach. This is the Lord's way of making sure His daughters are individually looked after and taken care of. I am responsible for visiting the girls, but I also have to keep track of whether or not every other girl in my building has visited theirs.
5. Bear testimony to what I believe every chance I get. I have opportunities through my job to tell people about the LDS church because the PCC is so closely connected to it. I don't usually take chances when someone brings it up, but I do hope that they can at least feel the loving spirit that Christ offers (hopefully) through me serving them.

Religion is a tough topic. There is so much in my heart that I wish I could express about how important it is. We live in extremely tough times where happiness is hard to find. I doubt I'll convert someone through a blog post, but in the chance that you're reading this and you're feeling lost, lonely, or unhappy... give Christ a chance. I would love to point you in the right direction of a ward family or 2 guys in nice suits who can uplift you and help you understand lasting happiness.
Love you all! Have a wonderful day today!













*For those who don't know what a stake president is.. The LDS church tries to keep congregations smallish. They separate a city into different "ward" boundaries based on how many members will be in each congregation. A bishop presides over an individual ward. The wards are grouped into stakes based on region and a stake president presides over the group of wards.

Misjudged my Priorities

I haven't had an update for you since my marriage month began.

Thats because any update on my progress would really just be a negative report about how I've totally bombed this month's goals. 

I've been completely disheartened and confused, but thankfully I understand now that I simply misjudged what my priorities are supposed to be.

I've been told in every young women's marriage lesson ever to marry someone who loves God more than me. I felt I kept that in mind while I dated my husband, but now I find myself placing our relationship above the relationship I have with my Savior and my Father in Heaven. 

I'm not sure who reads this.. I'm sure some of you aren't Mormon, but it doesn't matter. If your relationship with God is stronger than it is with anyone else in your life, you will be able to love anyone  and everyone far greater than you ever believed you could. I've been so focused on placing my husband first, my marriage first.. and frankly I just thought it was cute to have my marriage month correspond with my anniversary.. that I placed marriage before faith. But marriage isn't between just my husband and myself. 

If I want to love my husband more, it might happen in small increments by going out on dates and serving him, but it will come in waves by strengthening my faith. This quote is actually from a Christian website, but I like it

"If happiness is our primary goal, we'll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane," Thomas says. "If receiving love is our primary goal, we'll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense."

I want that. I want my marriage to be, in itself, of God and devoted to God. Right now it is just.. not that way. I don't know how this will work when it is just me working towards this specific relationship, but I also hope that being closer to the Lord myself will be an example to Sean and I'll know how to be happiness in our home.  

On that note, marriage month is officially over. It will reconvene, possibly with different goals, in November. The rest of September and October will be given to faith, which would've been my third month anyways. A rundown of these new goals will come shortly! 

Month 2 Begins!

Well.. month 2 began yesterday. So far I've completely failed all resolutions across the board this month. I fully blame the stress of trying to travel these past couple days, but regardless of why it happened I need to jump start my dead happiness resolutions car.

So for September I am introducing a very big/happiness-determining topic: MARRIAGE

(dun dun dun)

I have a 30 day husband appreciation project that I'll work on throughout the month that I recently found on pinterest, but aside from that I have quite a few new things to add to my daily resolution chart.

Deep breaths.. here we go

A.  Cooking: To Sean (or maybe its a Polynesian thing?) having a big meal ready for him at the end of his day is a huge indicator of how much I care about him. This has been extremely difficult for me this past year. I didn't get the mormon-housewives-are-good-at-cooking memo and I certainly didn't receive any chef genes. Cooking frustrates me.. the measurements, the hard-to-understand instructions, spending so much money on ingredients. On top of this, I've been under the impression that everything I do for Sean may not be noticed, but at least I put him first. He doesn't quite see things the same way. So this month I'll have dinner ready at least 3 days a week, and each week I will learn to make a new meal, NOT because I have a desire to cook, but because Sean needs to know without a doubt that he means everything to me. If cooking's the way to do it, I'll literally swallow my aversion to making new things and JUST DO IT. 

B.  Play time: For those of you who read this and aren't LDS you won't know what "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" is, but anyways in this proclamation they give a few things that a successful marriage is built on. One of them is wholesome recreational activities. So each week Sean and I will be setting aside a date night (hopefully.) I made a "can of dates" with quite a few dates already planned out because our hardest obstacle in spending time together turns out not to be finding the time, but rather deciding what to do with our time. (If you want to keep up with the dates we do you can check out my new MadiSean blog -started in congruence with marriage month. If you want date ideas, recipes, photos, the whole shibang, it will have it this month. www.madisean.blogspot.com) 

C.  Start a new Tradition: So far my anniversary trip tradition that I was hoping to start has been an epic failure. I'm taking it as a sign that this is not a tradition that I'll be able to keep up with (ooh.. or maybe the tradition will be having a failure of a trip every year. ugh I feel sick just imagining this whole week repeating itself.) So I'll be consulting a few pinterest ideas I've pinned for creative tradition ideas that I'll want for when my kids grow up (because Sean and I aren't the greatest and coming up with things like that.) Anyways, the point of this one is to start something that we both enjoy and we look forward to each year. Luckily its not something I have to do every day. 

D. Create a budget: Money could totally have its own month, but I'm hoping I can trick my brain into being less anxious about it by making it seem like a small task on a list. We don't struggle with money, but we're not smart with it either. We DEFINITELY don't agree with where it should be spent. Part of this problem will be alleviated as I make food a higher budget priority (hopefully), but I prefer to buy things that last (say.. clothes for instance?) I don't shop EVER anymore.. and I've had maybe 1 decent shopping trip in a year (which was with my mother.) Its driving me a little bit crazy actually. So its about time to sit down together and create a reasonable weekly budget for ourselves. Money can be a huge addition to happiness, or deterrent from happiness. As a couple we mostly just avoid talking about it, so if anything its a negative topic of discussion. (Any budgeting tips for us?) 

E. Cultural differences: Some of you know that I am an international cultural studies Anthropology major. This means that I've been taking classes for 2ish years about different cultures, intercultural communication, handling differences, seeing the world differently, etc. I would do well with a refresher of a lot of these courses, but aside from that I never really studied anything in depth about my husband's background. A good friend of mine, also in an intercultural marriage, told me that she's been learning about the way her husband was raised and how it affects what is important to him and all that. She said it helped her understand why he said some of the things that offended her or why he believes what he does (like having a meal ready as a show of love). So this month I'm going to be researching the way Sean was raised and how its shaped what he thinks and how he understands the world.

F. Forgiveness: One of the biggest argument-prolongers that we encounter is my inability to apologize after being the one who was offended/hurt/etc. (The way I worded that sentence makes it pretty obvious that I still have a tremendously hard time with this.) I understand how Sean thinks about it.. he doesn't want to be the only one thats making the mistake, and me bringing something up that offended me (or whatever it was) hurts him. So this problem will be resolved in a few steps. 1. Take no longer than 5 minutes to forgive him/ "get over" whatever it was he did/said. 2. If it is important enough of an issue to find a solution, begin the conversation by apologizing for needing to talk about it 3. Stay as calm as possible and be aware that he's not going to like the conversation, so patience is necessary.

Any tips about how you've made this process easier? 

Soo that was a lot. Obviously this is going to be a very full, and hopefully pivotal month. 

One year of marriage down.